its finally final!

Ya know how when people are in love, in a committed relationship & live together, they'll sometimes say, "we don't need a piece of paper to make it real". We all know its not about a piece of paper. At the same time, at the end of high school-college, any segment of education, we get a diploma. Again not about the paper, but it matters. For the last 2 hours and 6 minutes I've been officially divorced. All legal activity for my marriage to be over is done....I've got the paper to prove it.

I wanna have a graduation ceremony or something. Celebrate. Not that my marriage ended, but for what's been accomplished. The years of working so hard to try and make our love grow, eventually just trying to make it stay. For doing my best to keep my misery a secret for his sake and then realizing that it was really for my own. I don't know, for all of the horrible things and the terrible times. I want the piece of paper to punctuate all of that, because that segment of my education is over. From this day fourth its all on me. All of the stupid things I do, the loves, the hates, the mistakes I make - none of it has anything to do with my marriage or lack there of. I am pretty sure I can count on Mike to be a retarded asshole in the future- but I can't go blamin him for all the wrongs in my world.

I was all kinds of smiley today. People kept saying, "you look great!"..no i don't, i tried to cover bed head with my hat, then the wind blew my hat into a puddle & now I have bed head/hat hair. I haven't seen my make up bag in two days and there's bbq sauce on my fancy white blouse. i didn't look great, but i know what they meant...i looked at ease, peaceful, happy.

I don't want to seem cavalier, this has been devastating...not at all what I wanted or would have planned for my life. I prayerfully begged to be rescued, for my girls to be rescued. I'm celebrating because we have been.

I'm too tired to explain, but I actually had to divorce him twice. It was pseudo official in March-clerical error. In June when it was supposed to be over for real there was a legal fiasco, so we had to start the whole process all over again.

I think time disolved away alot of the sadski that I've been told to expect on this the finally final day. I have a document stamped by the State of California Superior Court, its pretty much my favorite thing in the whole world. Some say a piece of paper won't make you feel different, not if your me. Because I feel super different. Officially Free. This day feels like an anniversary of something new.