emotional deja vu

When I was a little girl, "the big fall" was a common theme in my dreams. I'm referring to the kind that Alice takes just before she touches down in Wonderland. The first time I went on a free-fall ride I tripped out because the big fall was exactly like I'd experienced it in my dreams. My wheels still spin off of that phenomenon. Before I ever buckled up & dropped 12 stories in "real life" I had a completely accurate physical feeling of the big fall. I loved the loss of control, the freedom of it.

Thats an example of a physical feeling that I knew before I really felt it. There's this other feeling, an emotion.  I've felt it floating around me my whole life. Sometimes it will breeze through & leave a little something lingering. Other times its like a heavy presence. If I try to explore it or grab hold of it its gone. I'm one of those people that can never EVER make out the image in the magic eye pictures. If you want to piss me off then say this, "don't look too hard for it...just let it appear...let it come to you". Anyways, this emotion, its always been there in a very haunting way.

I want so much to share something that happened recently. Every time I try to write it out it doesn't seem like enough. Its buggin me. I'd let it go, but its changed me. Completed me...not in a Jerry Maguire way as much as its filled up the empty places in all of me with something beautiful.

Spitting it out now.

Last Tuesday night my dad and I hooked up for some father/daughter time. My dad and I have always been close, we're similar. I love the ways that we're alike.  There was a time just after my parents divorced that we were incommunicado...i never wanna hurt like that again. Our reconciliation was a big beautiful deal, now we're stronger than ever and all that good stuff. My dad's REALLY funny. He's the most famous person anywhere he goes. He is charisma & charm. People can't get enough of him. Its never easy to have him to myself. Tuesday was special...it was just us. We caught up on some lifey stuff before we engaged in a pretty radical heart to heart.


That day at work I had 2 huge battles. I literally argued for 3 hours...by that night there was no more fight left in me. We had a lot of ground to cover. The conditions were right. His timing couldn't have been better.

Simply put, my dad wanted to tell me the desires of his heart for my life. At first I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes. It was all the stuff I'd always wanted, that anyone would hope for. As he went on there was something so sincere in his sharing. I knew it was important to take him seriously. His words could have been taken from the same "jennie's future" talks we had when I was nineteen, but he definately wasn't repeating. These words were a fresh start. He described the dreams I've had my entire life like they were brand new. From here on out I'd be living my life the way it was meant to be lived. Good and bad he wanted to be intimately included in all things me.

He cautiously offered advice. He reminded me of who I am, what I should watch out for because of how I am. From there he took it up a notch and laid out warnings. Sighting examples from my know it all terrible teen years. There was a sting in being reminded of that stupid girl that's still very much a part of me. I started to recoil, prepared for emotional lock down, but i just couldn't reject his sincerity, the genuine love in his eyes for jack ass me. He loved all of it because its me. Somebody was loving all of me?

Its a scary thing to be known. Someone defined vulnerablilty to me as a military term referring to a soldier that's dropped his shield leaving their heart exposed-risking a fatal wound. In the safe, secure space of our encounter I let down my shield. I felt free, completely accepted. I'm gonna go with unconditionally loved.  It was at that moment that the magic eye's image started to come into focus for me.

It was just such a weird feeling. It felt like the biggest desire of his heart was to see me be truly happy. Like if nothing good ever happened in his life ever again it would be everything to him that my life is beautiful. Like that is what he'd prefer. He'd sacrifice the love of his life so that I could have mine.

I drove out of that parking lot spinning. I had to pull over before I got home. The emotional deja vu was coming on strong. It was so much more than I could wrap my mind around. I just sat real still and felt it settle in around me, sink into me, soak me up.  This deepest yet vaguest feeling from the beginning of me was mine.

My dad's an extrordinary father and an amazing man. I don't want to take anything away from that. Its just that in this instance my dad's love is metaphoring all over me. Symbolizing the often referred to, but rarely recognized "heavenly father's" love. I'm so sorry if you don't have anyone to metaphor all over you. I know that I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world to have all of the love that i do. Maybe I'm just that retarded to need as much literalness as I do. If your dad's dead or a dick, well the correlation just won't be as obvious. Maybe you don't need a surrogate as desperately as I did. Honestly I don't think that it really matters that the love comes specifically from a dad. For me its probably really more of an accumulation of the love that I've shared with lots of people in my life. 

If there's a love that never fails, that NEVER goes away...what tops that? I mean whats more worthy of someone's hot pursuit, of risking a fatal wound over or of searching their ass off for than existing in a love like that? If you come up with something let me know. Until then I'll be over here in my little space feeling all filled up with something beautiful...what I've always longed for. Its still mysterious, but its mine to tangle around in forever. my big love's never gonna go away. I can't believe i'm gonna have something that will last forever.