the blah, blah, blog

happy birthday mia!

2011-02-05T21:33:00.000-08:00

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1000 Journals

2010-11-23T18:53:00.000-08:00

Ten years ago "Some Guy" (that's the artists name) started a project. He gave 10 artist friends each a journal, told them to do their creative thang, then pass the journal on for someone else to doodle in. Over the last 10 years the number of journals in circulation has grown to be 1000. These books have traveled all around the world. They are currently on display at the Skirball Cultural Center in LA. Recently Soph and I where there.

Oh you guys *sigh* it was even better than I imagined. The original 10 were on display. Special selections were blown up and featured on the walls. Just pages into my first notebook, I knew it was gonna take way more than 1 visit to absorb the exhibit the way I wanted to.

There's no way for me to describe the diaries of destiny. I will just say that no two entries were the same. Some people bled with words onto their page. Others expressed themselves with a collage, a painting or a drawing (there were phallic symbols and naked lady parts for days!). The contributors weren't just big shots either. There were crayon scribblers and jr. high bubble writers as well. Regardless of the skill level each expression was personal. Whether the journalers were anonymous or not I appreciated their willingness to reveal themselves. Know this: We live in a sometimes sad and lonely world, but it is thriving with creativity and optimism, at least according to the journals it is.

"Some Guys"cool idea was a hit! The exhibit hostess told me that there is a new project under way, "1001". A select group of artists have been commissioned to submit paintings for the final volume. Two of the big names from that dream team were there working their oil paint magic. I was plenty satisfied to slowly soak in the journals until Sophie pointed out the creation station. There was an enormous work bench covered with journals, craft supplies and then a bunch of random stuff. People left receipts, film negatives, gum, cigarette butts-whatever made their pages personal. "Some Guy" would like to include entries inspired by the exhibit for the "1001" edition. He wants these additional entries to be provided by the common man. This meant that Sophie and I were about to get our art project on.

Soph and I saddled up to the mother of all work benches and exposed ourselves, metaphorically.

In February when the show closes all of the journal entries will be collected. The chosen pages will be posted online and the book will be published and ready for purchase by mid-May...so here's to hopin!

It's free every Thursday, I've been back once. I'm so in to it! There's something about the vulnerability in the journals that makes the global collaboration feel intimate. The big world seems bigger, just more connected. I highly recommend checking it out!

The whore and the whorrible

2010-11-13T22:54:00.000-08:00

I've been so pissed this whole week! Its been a full time job keeping my anger all bottled up. Early this morning there was finally a break in the fury.

The reason for my rage...professional Christians strike again. I'm starting to tremble. I'm not zen enough to break it down for you in detail without whipping myself up into a furious frenzy. What happened? a troubled girl got her ass drop kicked out of the church. She was a commandment breaker FOR SURE! but she was breaking those commandments on her own time. She made the ginormous mistake of being honest and sharing her struggles. She expected grace instead of the judgement that she received. There's a lot more to it, but somebodies got to keep her blood pressure under control.

I got wind of the situation last Friday night. She had relapsed. She told me the sad story, crying extra hard when she got to the parts where the insults were supported by twisted scriptures. ..."he said that I'm not living a life pleasing to God jen...that my sins are disgusting...God can't mingle with sin. He said that I must not really know God and if I don't know God than he doesn't know me? i feel worse than empty...what about that night we were at the beach? do you remember what happened? do you remember our prayers? the wind, my peace, my hope? you said my heart was beautiful...it's not beautiful enough to get to stay..." Ugh! it went on and on.

I should explain that I hear these kind of stories all of the time. Women that have engaged in all manner of naughtiness naively seek some comfort and guidance from the church only to be met with condemnation and more often than not...."you're a raunchy skank...you're gonna burn in hell, but hey while I've got you here howza bout we make this a happy ending confession session". This isn't my first go round with a woman that has been worked over by a graduate of the Kirk Cameron school of theology.

Anyways the girl and I made plans to meet for breakfast the following morning. Didn't happen. She stood me up to be on life support. She attempted to meet her maker.

I've been a hostile psycho all week. This morning I was at the beach. I went back to the place that she referenced in our phone call. I was praying, "GOD are you kidding me with these assholes!!! I hate being this hateful! I hate that I know how real your love is and she doesn't. I hate that she's doubting the peace your love has brought her. I hate that you're being misrepresented by your representatives. The girl went looking for your love from the church, that's not what she got." whatever. i went back to hating.

On my way up the steps (i hate the steps btw) I saw my lame neighbor. He was having another one of his lame rip off garage sales. he was selling a framed poster of Carmine from Laverne & Shirley. It said "WWCD?". What Would CARMINE Do? ok that's not lame-that's hilarious!
hmm all Carmine ever did was make pizza, try out for talent shows and not have sex with Shirley...that doesn't help me cool my jets or right the wrongs of the church.

My even LAMER neighbor yelled down from his balcony..."heh heh I get it...like What Would Jesus Do?". Be impressed. He never gets ANYTHING!

Alright I'm game...WWJD? I think I know.

There's a story in the Bible about this one time when some of the church leaders were winding up to toss some rocks at an adulteress. She had broken the law and stoning her to death was the right thing to do. According to the story the woman was lying on the dirt when Jesus walked up. This is the passage of scripture when Jesus says, "let he that is without sin cast the first stone". Then he drew a line in the dirt with the church leaders on one side and the woman on the other. He stood on her side. The Bible says that the mean men conferred while Jesus kind of scribbled in the sand. Nobody knows what he wrote, but whatever it was spooked the mean men and they took off.

Here's what I love about this story: This wasn't turning water into wine or making a blind man see. Jesus performed all kinds of miracles that were supernatural. Defending the whore from the whorrible was something amazing that the man Jesus did. Do you see what I see? Do you know what I'm saying? We could do that. No magic powers required to show someone love.

I can relate all over the place in this story. I don't want to hate on the whorrible anymore. The truth is it takes one to know one. I've been whorrible.

I remember a time when I felt like ministry full-timers were hurling verbal boulders at me. I also remember how loved i felt when somebody stood up for me. It made me grateful, inspired me to do what i could do to become a greater gal.

It feels good to have my delightful disposition back intact. Realistically, I know that there'll be a next time. My temper will probably flare then to. I just want to remember when that day comes to chose to love instead of hate. I want to draw a line in the sand. Its not walking on water, but its still a miracle. Miracles are divine intervention. What's more divine than love?

Happy 15th Birthday Sophie-girl!

2010-11-10T22:59:00.000-08:00

My Dear Sophie,

Another birthday...I’m a mess with memories!

Watching you perform on Wednesday night reminded me of your 1st ballet class. You danced with such elegance! You were only 4 years old, but you moved with the poise and sophistication of an expert. Miss Christine told me with teary eyes that you had the heart of a dancer, you do.

Soph, this year you came up against some mean men. Discriminating and judgemental is not cool! Bible teacher and Mr. Math ... seriously I hate those guys. Those fellas got older, doesn’t mean they grew up, just means they aged. You stayed humble and respectful as you stood up for yourself. I was in awe of your courage, I know that was scary. Your strength and confidence were undeniable... when you finally tagged me in there wasn't much left for me to say. They spoke of you with respect and admiration. They’re still ignorant and lame, but your strength of character did not go unnoticed.You impressed them and you inspired me by the maturity and grace that you used in both of those instances. So often you are an example to me, I learn so much from you.

As for the 3rd stooge. My heart breaks for you. When someone hurts me I recoil. They are cut off and there's no coming back. A formerly soft place in my heart is turned hard. Sometimes I wish you would deal with those people the way that I do, but you don't. You don't run hot or cold. Your heart carefully considers the safeguards that you need to put in place to heal, but you don't barricade and turn to ice. The temperature of your heart is warm. That kind of vulnerability is a gift unique to only the most extraordinary of beings.

I don’t want to be a downer, but word on the street is that there could be some tough times up ahead. Supposedly this is the age when some mom’s and daughters have a major clashing of the wills. I have a feeling that all of the, “respectfully stand up for yourself” lectures that I’ve given you are going to backfire on me. I want so much to be a gracious and safe place for you to push boundaries, take risks and pursue the discovering of your identity on whatever adventurous path you chose, but I don’t know if I can. I want to protect you...keep you safe from the super sad. I still see you as my ballerina, you've grown up and are changing. I'm gonna have to grow and change to be the kind of momma that you'll need.

For now the best I can do is suggest a few things to remember:

1. I will always have your best interest in my heart.
2. I have lived and learned from that living...if I tell you that my spidey senses are tingling or that my gypsy notions are dead on regarding something dangerous or sinister...then heed my warning!!!!
I promise I won’t abuse this.
3. I will overreact at the things that don’t matter, but I will be unbelievably calm under fire.
4. There is nothing that you could ever do that would make my love for you go away! NOTHING!!!
5. I will forgive you every time.
6. I will make mistakes. Please forgive me to.

Sophie Kate, Your heart is fragile with strong love flowing in and out and all around it. I know the essence of you...you're authentically divine...i want you to remember that about you.

15 years old today Soph! Can you believe it!!! I bet you’re wishing we were mexican right about now...spending thousands on a quinceanera? Hang in there...I’m planning on being REALLY ridiculously rich by the time your Sweet 16 rolls around. Maybe even by your half birthday in May...could happen?

No matter what happens with our cash flow, don’t get discouraged! There will be struggles, but there will also be lots of serendipitous moments when you just seem to collide with love and joy and happy...all the goods!

Happy Birthday to you Sophie! make a big wish baby girl! i made a wish and you came true.
I love~love~love you!
love,
mommy

Butt Ugly Blue

2010-09-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday a blue car was following me. I noticed it because of the custom paint job...'butt ugly blue' I think its called? The hatchback shadow followed me through a random neighborhood and 3 u-turns. I wanted to make super sure I was being tailed so I got on the fwy at Beach Cities, then off at San Juan Creek road, then back on the southbound 5 @ SJC Rd. and exited at PCH. Yup...still there. I drove up to the police station and the little car went putt'n on past. That's when my heart started to beat fast. That's when I started to remember another time when a car was following me.

I never tell this story but I was reminded of it yesterday. I don't know why I'm more afraid now than I was then?

This was the voice mail that started it all. Imagine a super-sexy 11:22pm-ish lil' bit drunk booty call voice.

"Hey, I've missed you...I've missed seeing you, heh-heh-heh (dirty chuckle).
Why aren't you at the *location* anymore?
(*He mentioned a place where Sophie was taking lessons, ordinarily we were there twice a week),
mumble-mumble, grande breve misto (my drink at S-Bucks).
I was thinking maybe we could get together and uh...

At that point he held the phone up to his TV and had me listen to some pizza guy porn, ya know...

ding dong...
Horny lady that ordered a pizza: hoooooo izz it?
Pizza Guy: Its the Pizza Guy. I've got an extra large sausage.... FOR YOU! bow-chicka-wow... moan moan, then like 5 more pizza guys and a few neighbors roll in and they all get down.
I have a totally weird pizza guy porn story for next time by the way.

I didn't recognize the voice at all...or the movie ;) The call had come around 10:45 the night before. I played the message for Mike and my friend Mindi, then I called the police. It was really hard to make out what he said, but everybody could make out his mentioning the lessons, and the coffee comment. The specific mentioning of my daily details was pretty creepy. The police's advice: lock your doors, change up your routine, don't drive the same way, "try to be more aware". They promised to patrol the neighborhood more frequently.

A week or so later it was Sophie's Birthday. We had a big slumber party at the house. My mom left around 11pm and then came right back to let me know that there was a man parked on the street outside our house on the side that faced the girls bedrooms. There's a fence surrounding the house but the slats had plenty wide enough gaps for some perv to sneak a peek. I guess the guy was outside of his car leaning against the door just watching and smoking. The police were called. They confronted the man and he drove away.

During the next 2 weeks there were a few more incidents involving cars parked in front of the house. Every time the police would pull around the corner the car would drive away. Some nights I would see the cops just cruising by. One of the nights an officer knocked on the door and said, "Hi, we were in the area and noticed a car parked in front of your house on the right side of the drive way and then about 20 minutes later it had moved to the left side of the driveway. Do you know the owner of a 199? silver ford escort?". "Well sort of...I think its my stalker?".

Later that week it rained like crazy. When the girls and I were leaving for school I noticed a silver car parked a little ways up the street but there was a lady with long dark hair driving and the rain made it hard to see so I didn't phase. When I noticed the lady stopped behind me at a light I thought it was a little weird, but I was expecting the stalker to be more like Edward and Jacob rolled into one, not the girl from"The Ring". So no big.

After I dropped the girls off I spotted the car behind me again. That sort of spooked me. She was following so close, there was so much rain, she kept slamming on the breaks so she wouldn't rear end me. I waited in the lane to turn into my neighborhood, but decided to take another lap around the block instead. When she was still right behind me I called the police and drove to my office. I took a different route then usual and ditched her.

I was only stopping by work to drop some stuff off. I was back on the streets after about 20 min. On my way up Camino Capistrano I saw that the police had a silver car pulled over, they were hand cuffing the woman with the long dark hair. The hatchback was up and the cops were poking through all the crap. She was a total hoarder. I drove back around to get a better look at her. I could tell that she was wearing a wig when I passed by. She had crazy lady lipstick and a lame floral dress on over jeans and a wind breaker. I felt no fear until I saw her face. I knew exactly who he was.

A week or so before I received the voice mail the place where Sophie took her lessons called me and said they found my drivers license and ATM card. I'd been there the night before and hadn't even realized they were missing. When I went to pick up my ID I was told to ask for one of the guys in charge. He wasn't my fave. Everyone there was so friendly except for him. He was aloof and indifferent. I remember him bringing the envelope out to me. I was rambling on about how I didn't even know they were gone...He cut me off and goes, "you should be more careful". Now that memory gives me the shivers. I never would have guessed he was warning me about himself.

He was sentenced to around 3 years in jail. He was supposed to get out last month, August 2010. The police ended up calling me and asking me some questions, but any information that I know I found online. I actually don't think I had anything to do with him being pulled over, arrested or going to jail.

There are always questions that I don't have answers for. "Why didn't you go to court? What were his charges?" are the 2 big ones. Honestly there's lots I don't know about the whole deal. I don't know why I don't know. I have questions to, but they're the kind that only he could really answer...and that's a conversation that I don't want to have. Its probably best that I don't know some of the stuff that I'm wondering about. This morning driving past the place where I last saw him I flashed back to the police poking through his trunk. "He worked around children" that was all I could think.

Cringe-cringe! I don't like what I've been feeling since I saw the alleged "lady" driving the stupid blue car. I've decided that today I'm gonna do everything the same. I'm gonna drive the exact same way home that I did yesterday and hope that blue car comes back around. Then I'm gonna follow her! I won't chicken out if she pulls into the police station. I guess I'm kind of screwed if she heads out a dirt road on Ortega Hwy. or something like that? Mostly I wanna make sure that her blue ford escort didn't used to be a silver ford escort and that she didn't trade her stringy black wig in for a brown Texas big hair.

cLOVErdale

2010-08-26T17:08:00.000-07:00

Ah Cloverdale...I love this story :)

It was Augustish 1994. I had just left an endocrinologist appointment in tears. On my way out of the building I ducked into the ultra fancy lounge at Scripps research clinic to cry hard! I turned off the lights and plopped down on the sofa. A few minutes later Dr. Daily came in and sat beside me. This is what he said, “Jennifer I'm sorry that I've upset you. It’s my responsibility to make you aware of the potential realities of your disease. You WILL be able to have babies in the future. At this point your body is still recovering from the initial onset of diabetes, give it time…you’ll be a mommy someday”.
Then Dr. Daily told me the story of Cloverdale.

and it goes a little something like this….

Cloverdale loved Lilly. He was an officer in the German military. Lilly was an artist…painter. They lived a lovey dovey life in Berlin. In 1937 It was totally obvious that Hitler was nuckin futz so Cloverdale and Lilly left to “vacation” in Prague. Over the course of the next year they bounced from European city to European city evading the Nazi’s. In 1939 The swastika’s got a little too close for comfort so Cloverdale and Lilly snuck off to Japan where they could hide out and blend in...because 6ft tall Arians tend to get lost in an Asian crowd?

The whole nightmare that was Germany during WW2 was bad enough. Cloverdale, being a man of integrity naturally wanted to make tracks so that he wouldn’t be forced to carry out the atrocities on humanity that his military mates had to. But there was another reason he wanted to get the heck out of dodge; he didn’t want to toss his beloved Lilly into the gas chamber. Lilly was of the Jewish persuasion.

Cloverdale and Lilly settled in Sasebo, a small fishing village in south Japan. I have no idea what they did all day. I do know this, Lilly had an achy womb, she dreamt of having a baby. When she was 18 she was diagnosed with Diabetes. In those days there was an 85% mortality rate for diabetic mothers and most of the infants were still born. Insulin research had begun in Berlin during the late 1800’s. The experimentation with dogs and the use of dog pancreas continued over the next few decades and was finally patented in Romania in 1921.

Awwww Yeah! Lets give it up for Romania!

#1 favorite thing about Romania: Iana Matei: rescuer of human trafficking victims and sex slaves throughout Eastern Europe.

#2 Dracula and Transylvania.

#3 insulin patenting.

I have a top 10 but today we only do 3.

Back to the story…The insulin that Lilly used was crude but it got the job done. Lilly left Berlin with a 3 month supply. When that ran out Cloverdale had been able to get his hands on black market insulin made of Bovine and Swine pancreas…eeewww! Just FYI Premarin-a female hormone that lots of ladies take during menopause is made from pregnant mare urine. Why I know this? Because onetime I was in line behind this guy at CVS and he said, “I’m here to pick up my mom’s horse piss”. Nice.

Anyways Lilly was incredibly fortunate to be a lab rat for the experimental use of insulin injections. These shots were her only hope of having a child. Her supply was running out. Without it there would be no baby, worse than that Lilly wouldn't live a whole lot longer.

Cloverdale was scared. There was no living life without Lilly. Lilly was sad. She was never afraid to die, it was the idea of leaving Cloverdale that was devastating. It was double sad that she wouldn’t be able to give him a baby.

According to Dr. D, Cloverdale put on his thinking cap extra tight. He was a very intelligent man, he was highly educated as to all things Lilly, especially her illness. One night as he was filleting the catch of the day he noticed a swarm of flies on a pile of fish guts. It reminded him of the way the flies would feast on the left over cow and pig parts at the institute where Lilly’s insulin was made. Light bulb!!!!

I’m not gonna break down the science folks, the meat of this burger is that Cloverdale made it happen. If you go easy on the white rice the Japanese diet is low carb enough that in combination with the sushi solution she was able to control her blood sugars. Lilly was able to live and to create life.

In 1945 the proud mom and pop returned to Berlin to show off their beautiful baby girl and celebrate the ending of WW2. There was no more mention of Cloverdale and Lilly's daughter in the story. I like to imagine that they named her Ariel. She probably had a sweet set of gills and a mean backstroke, ya know on account of the fish-insulin.

“Jennifer, the desires of your heart are truer than the limitations of your body. You will be a mommy someday”. Oh Dr. George Daily…with all of my heart I thank you for the hope and encouragement you gave me that day! It’s stuck with me. Now whether my limitations are physical, mental, financial, gravitational, quantumly impossibile…whatever they are, it doesn’t matter because they’re not as true as the desires of my heart.

something by somebody

2010-06-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

I am Somebody!

I am a dreamer

I wonder what heavens like

I hear loud music

I see waves crashing on the shore

I want peace

I am Somebody!

I pretend that I'm older

I feel for my freinds

I touch the sand on the beach

I think of the children in Africa

I laugh with my friends

I am Somebody!

I understand pain

I say the truth

I dream of tomorrow

I try to help

I hope for the future

I am Mia Wood

i'm trying to be symbolic

2010-06-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a wounded guinea pig. Once upon that same time there was a playful piglet. They became friends and got married.

Both of them had special powers. Sometimes these powers were of benefit to their relationship but sometimes they were not. Most of the time the little guinea pig was silly and vulnerable, but sometimes, when he got his feelings hurt or became afraid he would transform. The little piglet began to recognize when her guinea pig was about to change. His light brown eyes would grow dark and well up with tears, he would shed a little fur revealing scars and burn marks on his skin and then as if he just couldn't take it anymore; from somewhere deep within him brittle quills would spear through his flesh. The piglet thought that it was a good thing in the beginning, they protected him and kept him safe. She understood.

For the first 26ish years of her life the piglet's special power was totally out of control! You see the pink piglet had razor sharp teeth. She used her teeth much in the same way that the guinea pig used his quills, they were a defense mechanism. The teeth in and of themselves weren't all that bad. It was her tongue. It worked for her and against her. Sometimes she would say the most beautiful, comforting words that built her guinea pig up and made him feel loved. Other times her tongue was a dangerous weapon that she used to knock him down and make him hurt more than she did. She didn't have nearly the control that the guinea pig did, she was unpredictable and could pretty much go off at anytime. Eventually her tongue was tamed and she learned to only bite the guinea pig in self defense. She learned to use her tools, ya know...respond not react and all that expensive therapy stuff. Now she's awesome.

As the 2 of them grew older their powers grew stronger. Unfortunately they were no longer capable of being used in any sort of positive way. The powers became reserved for warfare. They evolved. The piglets teeth were used viciously and when she sunk them into the guinea pigs flesh she would release a toxic venom. Not only did she leave her mark on the outside, her poison went deep inside every part of her former lover's body.

Meanwhile the guinea pig had become practically unrecognizable. His quills weren't even hidden anymore; he'd morphed into a full blown porcupine. He just recklessly cruised around the house poking anyone that got in his way. Some nights he would wait for her in a dark place. He would jump out and scare her. His prongs would pierce her now calloused skin with such intensity and force that it wasn't until a few minutes after he finally backed up off her that she would notice the blood that was flowing from all the places she'd been punctured. The gouges would stay raw for days. During that time the piglet would bleed and bleed. She got blood all over the place. She and everything around her were a big mess. The fact that the piglet bled so much infuriated the porcupine. If people were around and it was too risky to go in for a quick stab he would use his newly developed hissing and spitting skills. His phlegm was acidic and he shot it straight into her eyes. It burned and blinded her.

Their marriage was a big fat hatefest. Regardless of how they felt about each other one thing was for sure; the both of them loved their precious treasure with all of their hearts. They meant everything to them. Deep beneath the surface the porcupine still had a heart. When he was very young it had been broken into pieces. Alot of the pieces were lame, but some of them were gentle and loving, they were just floatin around in a whole lotta hurt. As jacked up as he was, he still loved the treasures very much. Maybe there was a touch of guinea pig still in there somewhere?

The two of them fought like it was their job. Both of them were covered with scabs and scars. Some of the wounds were a result of battle, others were self inflicted. The fighting escalated to the point where the treasure was starting to become damaged. The warring had gone on for way too long. One day the piglet asked the porcupine to go. He flipped out but eventually left.

sad memories.

The piglet and the porcupine divorced. The treasure remained with the piglet. When the porcupine would spend time with the treasure he tried to strain every bit of comfort from them. He didn't so much take care of them as he did expect them to take care of him. He's retarded like that.

So last Tuesday the piglet decided that it was time to sit down and have a grown up conversation with the porcupine. That evening there was a celebration for all the local treasure. Their treasure was receiving special attention for being especially special. The piglet thought that it would be the perfect opportunity to discuss their treasures near future. Sometimes she's such an idiot.

After the ceremony the piglet and the porcupine met at Denny's for a cup of coffee. As they uncomfortably took their sides of the booth the piglet thought to herself that of all the un-understandables in this life none was more perplexing then how the big love could ever end. Where does it go? It was real, she was sure of it. Yet there they sat; the big love was totally absent. Was it hiding, dissolved and disappeared, stolen, intentionally removed, lost. The thoughts didn't hurt her, they confused her.

The piglet was pretty much dreading this little meeting. In the past year the 2 of them had only seen each other a handful of times. They didn't speak on 1/2 of those occasions. So this was a big deal. The piglet opened with, "Porcupine...i mean guinea pig-whoever you are? I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate that you've started financially contributing to the treasure. I'm grateful for that, it helps. I need to talk to you about some upcoming expenses, extras. I'm just gonna lay it all out there and you let me know what you will be contributing".

The piglet had forgotten how impossible it was to communicate with the porcupine. ARE YOU LISTENING TO WHAT I'M SAYING!!! that's what the piglet wanted to scream in his stupid face while he sat there with that judgemental smirk. So many times she'd wanted to grab him by the shoulders and give him a good whiplash style shaking...what's it gonna take for you to care about what i'm saying!?!

The piglet continued her plea on behalf of the treasure, "Alright soooo remember when you agreed to pay a third of the cost for our oldest treasure to go on her 8th grade field trip to Washington DC..." she stopped mid sentence when he interrupted with a "psshh!" and shook his head from side to side. The delusional little piglet went back at it, "No on DC ok then, well ya know at least I've got 48 hours to scratch the remaining $600 together". Next: "half the tuition for first born treasures performing arts program. She worked so hard, I'm so proud of her"... "NOPE".
"Well what about 2nd born treasures tap lessons, she's really taken to it. I found out that she had been waiting to cry until she was alone in the shower or after 1st born treasure had fallen asleep. She finally started eating again when she joined this theater group, it's the 1st thing that's brought her joy"..."NOT GONNA HAPPEN".

The piglets blood pressure was rising, her heart started to pound like it used to just before she and the porcupine were about to throw down. The piglet tried to remember her tools but the taste of venom distracted her. It was seeping from her fangs and dripping down her throat.

The piglet hadn't even covered the most important expense yet; she'd saved it for last. She swallowed hard trying to get the sour taste of poison from her mouth. "Porcupine in our divorce papers you have been ordered to provide medical insurance for our treasures. The youngest treasure's rheumatoid arthritis is flaring. Her blood sugars are creeping up. I'm worried..." The piglet felt the 1st hot tear roll down her cheek. It was quickly followed by several more.

She lost the battle the moment her eyes got wet. He knew it and she knew it. She wasn't looking forward to what was coming next...the porcupine was about to go wang chung. She looked over at the Porcupine as he sat up straighter and taller. She could tell that he was getting ready to spew something mean all over her by the way his face was turning from pastey white to a vibrant red. He was so excited; this is the moment that he'd been waiting for.

The porcupine let out a mocking laugh before he started up, "You did this. You brought this on your self. The consequence is that your treasures will suffer. I don't want to see it happen but there's nothing I can do. You've ruined my life. I've lost my career-the job i've loved and its all your fault...because of your selfishness we're all gonna be miserable". The piglet was trembling. The waiter rested his hand on her shoulder as he refilled her coffee. He pressed his hand onto her back firmly to get her attention. when she looked up at him he mouthed, "are you ok?"
His compassion only made it worse, the piglet started to loose it like she meant it.

She tuned back into the porcupine as he was goin in for the kill..."what you need to remember every time our treasure hurts or is sad is that your the cause of their pain...NOTHINGS CHANGED!!!!." nothings changed (sniff-sniff) "nothings changed" the piglet repeated first in her mind, then out loud. "Yeah nothings changed!" the porcupine snorted like a dick. "Your right porcupine nothings changed your still the same punk bitch pantie wearing lady man that you've always been. You brought your misery on yourself with your jack ass behavior and absurd dramatic outbursts. You lost your own damn job and its not my fault that it took you a year to find a new one. And now when you say nothings changed...That's the 1st thing you've said tonite that was remotely accurate". The porcupine sat there bewildered. He'd made her cry, he'd said all of his favorite mean things, she fought back...that means he won right? If she cried, fought and he got to verbally attack her than the victory was his to claim, those were the rules, according to him anyways. He was confused as to why he didn't feel victorious. If he won then why had her tears stopped.

A few days later the piglet was driving around town wondering about love. She was perplexed. She knew she didn't have any left for the porcupine, but she was positive that she had plenty of love in her heart for the guinea pig. What if someone else told her that they loved her? What would they mean by that? Could she trust that it was true? How would she know if she loved someone and be sure she really did? The piglets brain hurt. "Why is this so impossible for me to understand?!", the little piglet thought to herself.

She started to ask herself the following questions: How will you be able to trust that you are loved? Well that's easy ...I'll know that I am loved when someone can tolerate the disgusting, pathetic, disappointing excuse for a woman that I am. When that happens I'll know that I'm worthy to be loved for reals. The piglet decided that "tolerate" was kindof unromantic so she modified the word to "accept". "Unconditional" didn't occur to her. She took note that there weren't any nice words describing what would make her lovable, but the impatient little piggy was eager to work this out so she skipped ahead to the next question.

How will you know when you love someone? hmmm? I will know that i'm in love when I am strong enough to continue to do my very best to take care of someone and treat them tenderly when they insult me. I'll know that I love someone when he can say the meanest most painful words to intentionally hurt me, betray me and slander me and then after putting up with all of that abusive bull shit I'm still amazing and wonderful enough to support him whole heartedly. I'll know that I love someone when I'm emotionally knocked around and I can still stand strong. Someday when I'm good enough- No perfect enough to be all perfectly-perfect like that...then I will know that I love that person. I'll love him so much that I won't fail...because after all that is true love right? Loving someone even when they abuse you? Sometimes the little piglet lived in backwards land.

I wish I could of been there for the little piggy in that moment. I would have scooped her up in my arms and held her really tight for a long time. I would have kissed her on the top of her head and told her that I loved her. I would have looked her deep in the eyes and hoped she'd see the lovable little piglet that I saw.

The little piggy must have sensed something like that happening to her because as soon as those thoughts were thunk she started to wake up! She asked herself a new question: "what the hell am i thinking?!"

The little piglet has tendencies to be very critical of herself. In this instance she decided to take on the perspective that she's ever learning and discovering things about who she is...not failing. The piglet hopes the best for the porcu-pig. That Tuesday night @ the treasures ceremony she noticed more than ever before the porcupines wounds, the ones that she'd given him. Hopefully someday the two of them can return to Denny's for a cup of coffee so that she can tell him how truly sorry she is for the damage she's done and the pain she's caused him to suffer. It would be wonderful to talk about their treasures and remember the sweet times when they were truly a happy little family. She doesn't expect it to be soon, but she's sure it will happen...the piglet has a remarkable track record when it comes to having her dreams come true.

Hey Mr. Tumnus...why don't you back that Thang up!

2010-04-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

After I posted my last blog Mia & Sophie recommended that I don't go anywhere with out my flip video. Live footage of the characters I encounter wouldn't just be a lot of fun to watch, it would authenticate the experiences. The girls have been with me for several bizarre run-ins. They get so frustrated when they share these wild stories only to have the tales trueness challenged.

I'm no stranger to exaggeration, that's for sure. However if I was making this stuff up there are certain ridiculous un-true details that I would be sure to include. For example, I can pretty much guarantee that some kindof extra terrestrial would be involved every time. At some point in the story I'd make sure to mention that I was part of a boyfriend tug of war. More than likely my immaculate home & steady cash flow would be brought up. I guess what I'm saying is that mostly the over the top part of my posts is my perspective. The characters & what happens with them is on the level. Eventually I'll have the video clips to prove it.

Of all the things I wish I had photographic evidence of there is none that I covet more than some proof of Mr. Tumnus.

There's somewhere I go to sort out my thoughts. Its a completely out of place little park in Capistrano Beach. There are trails with over grown trees, lots of flowers and a creek. There's even a waterfall if it rains enough. Its very naturey. There are plenty of dog turds, but I've never seen any dogs? I've actually only seen another person there one time. That was Mr. Tumnus....like from 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe'.

My reason for this nickname (that he'll never know about) is because this special place seems enchanted to me like Narnia. The day that I saw Mr. Tumnus he was standing at the end of a path that forked off to the left & the right. It seemed like he was the greeter at the entrance of a narrow dirt road that looked like it could potentially lead to Narnia.

There's something else that reminded me of C.S. Lewis man/goat character. It was his appearance. he didn't have pointy ears or a goatee, no cloven hooves. It was the way his body was shaped. For starters his knees buckled backwards in a very goat like way. He was wearing knickers, maybe not official knickers, they could have been short capri-like skinny jeans. Whatever they were he was punishin them! Head on he looked normal enough, maybe even from the back he was ok. It was the profile. He had a gargantuASS. He looked like he was pregnant out his butt...with twins.

His epic booty was radically disproportionate to the rest of his body.

After I saw him I went home and googled "centaurs". Then I searched "mr. tumnus" who was actually a 'faun'. Centaurs are half man/half horse. Faun's (like mr. t) are half man/half goat. According to wikipedia they are mythological creatures. My only other theory is that maybe its a medical condition. I suspect he's been diagnosed with a stage 4 case of enlarged gluteus maximASS.

I didn't speak to him. So besides some additonal thoughts and stuff I've imagined about his day to day life draggin that super-sized backside of his around; there's really nothing more to tell. If I where to go any further I might enter into make believe. So this is where I'm gonna draw the line between make believe and serious exaggeration. This being an exaggeration...that fanny was for real!

The crazy thing that happened at the post office, let me tell you about hmmm.

2010-04-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday evening I went to the post office. The parking lot was empty so I didn't expect anyone to be inside the little P.O. box room. Half way down the aisle to box #1466 I heard a husky voice whisper, "is it safe to be here?" Awh man! Crazy, you know your my very favorite ever, but I've got a serious case of the tired and I wanna go homes. I was tempted to shout back over my shoulder, "Nope. Your in danger. Leave me alone". I'm so very glad that I didn't. The hour and 45 minutes that followed were well worth my time!

Well I'll be damned! Jedi Master Yoda...what the hell are you doing here? Female Yoda repeated her question only this time in her native tongue, "safe to be here is it...hmm?" "Safe from what" I asked her? sand people, Darth Vadar, one of the sith lords? I knew Star Wars could really happen - In yo' face 2nd grade teacher!

At that point I didn't find out what her specific unsafe was. I instead asked her if she had a safe place to spend the night (post office doesn't count). " I have a home but I am homeless". Ok next question, "Can you tell me about your situation? She was a total pro. She answered my questions with a detailed account of what happened rather than how she felt about what happened (i usually get more of the latter). We started with her current circumstances and worked our way backwards. For you I'm gonna take it from the top.

In 1973 she moved from Iran to Sweden. After a few months in Sweden she came to the U.S. She was a physician. She practiced medicine in Indiana and Ohio then worked her way west to California where she opened what turned out to be a very successful practice as an OB/GYN.

In 2007 she moved into a senior residence. Everything was fine there at first, but about a year into being there she was sexually abused. She reported the abuse to the police then relocated to her current home, a senior care facility in San Juan Capistrano. She had been there for 6 months when items began missing from her room. She was creeped out to be there so that is why she was hiding out in the Post Office.

Farib (her name) was very articulate, she spoke fantastic English, great vocab, really calm demeanor; until that is anyone else entered our safe little place. She'd shake and stare them down. Then when they'd leave she'd say, "I can't tell if they could be trusted!" eventually she'd work her way back to normal-ish.

"Farib what are you afraid of? I need to know how I can help you?" I asked her. Her request "I need shelter. Not for long, just enough time to fill out the necessary paperwork to renew my passport and return to England to be with my sister." That sounded easy enough, what are we lookin at an hour or two? "Why don't you go to the library?" I asked "because I am muslim...they don't want me there". That may or may not be the case, but it wasn't our only option so I wasn't gonna push. Another person walked through the door, Farib got all paranoid & shakey like before. Once we were alone again she looked at me like she was lookin for the truth, squinting with one twitchy eye. "a social worker you are?"I didn't answer. She spoke something in Farsi and then said, "speak". "I'm a case manager at a women's shelter". I don't know why I didn't' want to tell her, maybe because I knew I wouldn't be allowed to bring her in. Unfortunately my job didn't increase my ability to help.

"Praise be to your god" she shouted out..."you have been sent to help me, to keep me safe. I can't trust you because I don't know you. I can only trust what I think I know...that you won't lie to me & you won't hurt me", that's what she said to me.

I presented a plan. I'd take her back to the senior center that night, the following day after work I would go talk to the manager and the police if need be. Then I could represent at the library while she filled out her forms. Farib was standing there with a million mile stare. I figured she was considering my proposition. She wasn't. "ssshhhh! can you hear that?! do you hear the voices!?!"

Damn lady, you just keep getting better! 1st your super freaky getting molested story, now voices...la la la...somebody just made the cut for my blaAog!

I listened carefully and heard the sound of talk radio. "Farib, someone must be working in the back of the building, its just a radio". I'm not gonna lie; I was disappointed that it wasn't a poltergeist :(
She dropped her head into her hands. She was so discouraged. What I said next didn't help, "Farib, I'm going to suggest something to you and I don't want you to be offended. As a physician you understand the effect that extreme stress can have on your mind. AHEM...do you think that you may be experiencing psychosis?" That totally pissed her off. "NO I'M NOT EXPERIENCING PSYCHOSIS!" then more Farsi. "Alright, Alright! so your not crazy" (wink).

I noticed that she'd default to Farsi when it seemed that I was getting off track, so I asked, "do you have a community of people from Iran or know any other muslims that would be able to offer support for you now, do you belong to a mosque?" "Blagh!" she balked. "I left the mosque!" She glared at me when she asked, "Do you know what I mean when I say that some of the people there were bad?" I said I did, but I really didn't. I mean in my Jenny Mastain ultimate fantasy land of Farib's life I had an idea, but for the sake of factual story telling I can't confirm any of it...they were probably just perv's.

She started up again with the voices. She went on to explain that sometimes the voices came to her from people that she was able to see. Other times she couldn't see any people, but she knew they were there. "They tell me to kill myself by stepping in front of a bus or slicing my neck open. They tell me I'm worthless. They tell me to take all of my money and give it to people that I don't even know. Their words are evil." "Farib, I'm doing my best to understand and I want to believe you. I'm trying to think of what the voices could be. I have a theory. Its REALLY crazy, very unconventional. A super out there potential explanation of where the voices may be coming from." She was defeated. She looked at me so helpless and sweet. I took a deep breath and asked, "Do you think there's a chance that the evil words your hearing could be the voices of demons? ya know like minions of satan...sent from hell? you guys have all that right? so yeah...demons, whuddaya think?" She exhaled an exasperated groan, raised her tiny little hands with their stubby little fingers into the air and yelled, "of course they are demonic-what did you think I was talking about!? There are demons hunting me!"

We stood there quiet for a minute or 2 until I said, "Is that what you meant by safe to be here?" She just gave me one big yes nod. well then, I'll just be on my way sooper spookster i think my work here is done. I had hoped to lure her into saying, "may the force be with you" before I left...maybe next time.

I handed her my business card and asked for her phone number. She reached into her bag and pulled out a large stack of papers. There were police reports, legal files, diplomas...all kinds of documents. She sifted through until she found a laminated paper with copies of several different forms of ID. Drivers Licenses from CA, OH & IN. Swedish ID and her passport from Iran.

Something was different about her very oldest form of identification. "Huh?" I said totally perplexed. "that's funny...weird...hmpf?" I looked at Farib and then back at the passport photo..."Farib? your passport picture doesn't look like you...I mean you look totally different in this picture?" I looked up at her again. She was smirking at me with a raised eyebrow.
Ladies and Gentlemen, are you ready for the best freakin part of this story?

She used to be a dude.

I'll tell you what, it just doesn't get any better than that.

What do you say? I'll tell you what I heard...first there were kisses, then then there were sighs...the crying game. Except she was post-op bitches!

My inner monologue was goin off, "shocked? who me? no not at all...gender reassignment surgery is the new nose job...isn't it an outpatient procedure these days". I'm not sure what was blocked by the filter and what made its way out. I just remember our time together ending with a tight embrace, "talk to you tomorrow" and a kiss on the lips...that's cultural right?

Monday I received a text from Farib that basically said it was all good; she was at the police station handling it. Haven't been able to reach her since.

I've spent the last 2 months pretending that I can live on the money I make at the shelter. I've known that I need to get another job for a while now. I resist mass emailing my resume because I love what I do, I love meeting, helping, interacting with and learning from wacky interesting people. When I re-read Farib's text I realized that it doesn't matter where I work. There is no shortage of wacky interesting people in the world. We'll find each other. I probably won't go to 1st base with all of them, but I'm sure I'll learn a thing or two.

4 Easy steps to talking like Jedi Master Yoda...because you know you want to.

2010-04-23T16:33:00.000-07:00

1.Take the 1st 2 or 3 words of a sentence and just add them to the end.

ex: “you will find what you are looking for” becomes “find what you are looking for you will".

2. Rearrange the negative in a sentence.

ex: “I will not help you” becomes “I will help you not”.

3. Adding a “hmmm” at the end of an altered question

ex: “ do you know what I am talking about” becomes “know what i am talking about do you? hmmm".

4. Adding a”yes” to an altered statement

ex: “you are here for my help” becomes “here for my help you are...yes?”

helpful hint: Avoid contractions

ex: “I can’t go there” vs. “go there I can not”

there's a reason for this little lesson

The 2nd weird thing that happened to me on Saturday: Dopplegangbang

2010-02-28T13:33:00.000-08:00

After my time with Tyler Presely I cruised on back to the campground to say good-bye to my temporary neighbors. Campers are a friendly bunch-you get to know everybody. I liked them all except space 64. Self proclaimed expert camper Ricky Bobby was able to tear himself away from NASCAR just long enough to let me know that I was taking my tent down wrong. I can't stand people like that! Anyways everybody else was cool.

My favorites were Bernice and Carl from somewhere in Arizona, USA. Bernice & Carl had been celebrating Superbowl weekend with their retired homies for several years. Ordinarily their kids would join them with their children (the grandkids). From the sound of it they all had about 6 kids that each had 12 children of their own. They weren't Catholic. Maybe Mormon, but still? None of the kids/grandkids would be attending Superbowl at Doheny-palooza this year. I offerered to represent the 2nd generation...it was awesome! They totally celebrated me. They totally celebrated everything actually...for them retirement is one big happy hour.

As I bid them a fond farewell one of their friends pulled up in her fancy town car. Fancy friends name was Marilyn she was very “White Diamonds”. Marilyn threw the passenger side door open, sprung out of that town car, fast walked, in pumps, through puddles, then wrapped her arms around me like I was her Lazarus. "Slooooow down! we don't want anybody breakin her hip up in here!"

Jennie! Jennie! I can't believe its you! Are you all right? How is your health? Are you still married? Are the girls alright? Why haven't you called me back?

Damn lady I have know idea who you are but I sure do know those questions.

Marilyn had mistaken me for her adopted granddaughter Jennie. Jennie lives in California with her husband and two daughters. Last year Jennie shared with her mom Kendra (Marilyn's daughter) that she and the hubby's marriage was less bliss and more blisster. For the past few months Jennie has been a bit detached. She's gone dark lord with a side of snapping biatch. The house looked like it had been ransacked the last time Kendra was there. "Jennie's not the same delightful girl that she once was. She doesn't have the same shine, energy. She seems miserable. She's depressed and isolated. I don't know what to do to help her. I hate to see her live like this". In this instance this is a quote about Jennie from her mom. This time 7 years ago this could have been a quote about me from my mom.

Anyway my favorite part of the weird was this: Jennie had a twin.
How crazy would it be if...
1. I had a twin
2. that twin was adopted and also named Jennie.
3. after 37 years we were reunited because of this crazy encounter with her gramma
4. both of our gramma's are named Marilyn
5. we both had (she still has) lame husbands
6. we both have 2 daughters
7. we both go dark lord & detach when we're miserable because of our marriages

Within about 2 minutes my list of "how crazy would it be's" had about 30 things on it. I am gonna be so pissed at my mom & dad if they deprived me a lifetime of twin mischief!!! Double Trouble would almost be worth re-attending highschool for.

I'm not the other twin...bummer!

"Marilyn!!! I wanna see a picture of my doppleganger!" I begged. "I'm sorry dear I don't have one, but all you have to do is look in the mirror. The resemblance is remarkable. Except my Jennie wears her hair very short....you should consider it Jennifer, I bet you'd look quite fetching". "Wow!" I said. "Just this morning my crazy ass fiance said the same thing?".

again with the JoBros?

2010-02-23T14:30:00.000-08:00

Saturday, January 30th @ 2am I received the following text from Sophie:

"mommy you won't believe what I'm doing"

Soph had gone to see Nick Jonas play a show in Hollywood that night. After the show she went with some friends to knock down some pins at "Pinz" in Studio City. Nick and his brothers were bowling there as well.

Some photos....

The 1st weird thing that happened to me on Saturday morning: Cats on Leashes

2010-02-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

I was a total mess Saturday. Mia's Birthday camp-out the night before got called on account of rain. Lots and lots of rain. The next morning I went down to pack up the flooded camp-site...that totally sucked by the way. I was all kinds of tired! I am so insane when I'm sleep deprived. INSANE! I talk to myself, snap at people, every thought I have is the funniest one ever so I'm laughing out loud (to myself). Somewhere in the middle of all that I'll just start spontaneously crying...not even sad just involuntary tired tears. Very Timebombish! The remedy is sleep, but unfortunately that wasn't gonna happen so I decided to take advantage of the post rain sunshine and indulge in some solitude on the beach.

I found a loner picnic table surrounded by the horse shoe pit backstops. A tree had fallen right behind one of the benches. It looked hazardous, like there should have been caution tape blocking it off. It was so perfect. I stepped over all the debris and got ready for my me time.

Dear other people at the beach,
I don't wanna pet your dog. I don't wanna talk about where you're from or if its gonna rain some more. Just keep on keepin on. No Tresspassing-Do not disturb...I was trying to present an air of "leave me alone".

So I've set the scene. That's plenty of story foreplay; now I'm goin straight to the good stuff.

10 minutes into my chill I heard somebody stompin there way up to my fortress. It was a guy. He tripped as he hurdled the barricade. "Woah...that was alot of effort!" he says then sits down next to me. "Would you like a cigarette?" he offered. "Nope". "Raisins?" I didn't answer so much as shudder and gag a little. He lights his smoke and introduces himself. His first name wasn't really Tyler, but his last name was really Presley. I asked him the obvious question:

me: "Presley eh? any relation to Elvis?"

him: "probably" "I am from Memphis".

me: I was a little too excited..."REEEALYY!?!!"

him: He looked out at the ocean and back at me as if i was totally retarded
         "No. Not really. Can I ask you a question?"

me: glaring

him: "Will you marry me?"

me: "No, your not really related to Elvis or No your not really from Memphis"
          Did he just pop the question?

him: "hmph! Cat's on leashes? Isn't that crazy? We should google it".

me: Yeah...thaaaat's crazy!

I wanted to revisit his proposal but there was really no lookin back after cats on leashes.

A few words on Tyler Presley:
It was totally obvious that he had some snappy swing tune playing as the soundtrack in his mind.

His communication was like text messaging or IMing out of sync. Like when your not finished and the other person responds too soon or interupts.

He wore expensive clothing.

He was so freaking handsome! ( I wanted to open with that, but it was truly secondary to his raging peculiarity. Plus it seemed shallow). He looked like he'd be Snow Whites totally masculine twin brother. He was tall, intense, quirky, hadn't shaved that day. Just asked me to marry him. Potentially related to the King.

His good looking-ness canceled out my initial irritance with him for invading my space and time. The idea of attending a family reunion at Graceland appealed to me way too much. But none of it was enough to cover: cats on leashes, his seriously premature request for me to be his wife or the raisins.

He was obviously weird. I tried so hard to deny it. I highly suspected that in reality Tyler Presley was hella psyche ward crazy train. groooaaans! WHY-WHY-WHY GOD!!! He's just soooo pretty! I started making excuses for his oddness but then he'd say something so freaking off the wall..."You should cut your hair short. I think it would look really good. Unless it didn't? I don't know we can think about it". don't talk! can you just not talk! I wondered if maybe we had the "Some things you just think, but don't say talk"  if there might be a chance at makin this thing work. One other weird thing is the way that he'd say certain things. He'd stop bouncin along to the song in his head, lock in on me with tractor beam eye contact, then he'd make his statement all dramatically like it was prophecy. After that he'd head on back to his own private Idaho.

Our encounter lasted about 45-ish minutes. When I was ready to go I stood up to say good-bye. Tyler Presley jumped to his feet, "Wait!" he said. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a piece of wax paper. "Close your eyes" he says to me..."No" I say to him. He shrugged like, "fine, deprive yourself of my suprise". He peeled a produce sticker from the wax paper, like Chaquita banana or Del Monte...the fruit label. He stuck it on my hand and said, "something to remember our time by". dude! do you have to so severly tip the scales in favor of crazy!!!

Everything about him triggered waves of thought! a fruit sticker on wax paper in his pocket? that means he took the time to peel it off the fruit. who even has wax paper?  did he take it out of his pocket at night and then make sure he had it with him the next day....cats on leashes!!! he made me squint.

"Bye Tyler Presley. Thanks for the fruit sticker, for asking me to marry you. I'm totally gonna google the cats on leashes thing". He didn't even look up, just played with his cigarette. I started to walk away. I heard him shout, "I'm gonna stalk you girl!" I looked back, he was smiling and waving. Hella psyche ward crazy train had been confirmed. I spent the rest of the day imagining what our wedding would be like.

Tyler Presely is my first radically crazy experience of 2010. Probably of my lifetime. Especially of my lifetime if I have to file a police report! Either way he was way better than taking a nap and for me there's not much that tops a nap!

happy birthday mia!

2010-02-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

To Mia's Heavenly Father...I dedicate her life to You as her momma. Thank you that of all the times in history you chose for her to live now...thank you that I get to be her mommy.

Dear Mia- My precious Mia!

Happy Birthday love bug! ELEVEN!!! Your both hands and a toe ;)

Mia the day you were born the world received a gift. The first thing that everyone noticed (and I mean EVERYONE) was your thick black hair & bright blue eyes. The word "beautiful" must have been said over a hundred times in your first 15 minutes of life!

Hours after your birth I nursed you. I sang the "I love you, I love you, I love you" song. I love you Mia McCall over and over. So many nights I've sang that to you while you were asleep. I started thinking about your name...Mia: Mine McCall: who resembles God. Your mine-Your mine-Your mine.

Something crazy happened as I said that Mimi! It was like my heart & mind had the same thought at the exact same time...it was something important God needed for me to know. SHE'S MINE. I got the chills.
This time when I looked into your blue eyes they were vacant. I froze. Kate snatched you from my arms and ran you out of the room to the nurses station. I heard voices shouting but couldn't make out what was being said. Everything was perfect & calm just moments before. Now there was no sign of peace. Different codes were being fired off over the intercom. It was chaos. When Katie came back into the room she said, "Her face turned blue Jennie. You were just staring at her. She's in the neo-natal ward...let's pray".

All I could pray...Don't take her! Don't you dare take her! She's Yours! I promise I'll never forget she's Yours! Mia, because of this next part I know that you will always be ok. The thoughts I had felt like instructions & a promise. PRAY THAT SHE WILL BE STRONG. IN HER LIFE THERE WILL BE STRUGGLES & THERE WILL BE BEAUTY. SHE'S MINE.

Your heart had stopped baby girl. You had a hole in it. I guess that particular medical condition is common with some infants, the hole closes up on its own eventually. Your situation was unique. When the doctor returned you to me he said, "This is one strong little lady". We left the next day like nothing ever happened.

So many times you have been brave & strong Mia! Do you remember that night at Roberts when you offered to have your blood sugars tested first so Sophie wouldn't have to go it alone? You were only 3. We both knew what 286 meant. "Am I a diabetic like you mommy?" That was all you said. Knowing the love you have for your sister I've wondered if you weren't secretly relieved that it was you and not her that would be testing blood sugars several times a day and taking shots. That's the kind of heart you have.

You have never even once complained about injections. You've always administered them yourself. When you were writhing in arthritic pain...you just wanted to cuddle. You don't complain. You just do what you've got to do.

I know how strong you are Mia. I want you to know that there is strength in surrendering to your tears. I need you to know that I will always be on your side. There is nothing that you could ever-ever do, or that could happen that would keep me from loving you & your sister as much as I do . This love will last forever and we'll have even more of it than we can imagine!!

I promise that no matter what sad thing happens or illness comes our way, we're gonna be ok...something beautiful will become of it, even if it takes a really long time for it to happen. The hurt will go away. Your heart will be restored and made whole just like it was when your were a baby. Mimi I can promise this to you, because its a promise that was made to me.

I can't explain what it does to me when someone says that we're alike...I must be amazing! That's what I think. I wanna be just like you!!! Thank you for sharing your heart with me. Your hurts and hopes.

Eleven...This year is going to be amazing! You are filled with such a peace and joy right now. Oh my gosh your shine is off the charts...contagious. I'm so ready to have silly fun with you! Let's be frolic-aholics! Don't ever forget that you and your sister are everything to me and I'm gonna help you be what ever you want....oh yeah and your John, Paul, George and Ringo rolled into one AND your my sweet-sweet song!

i love you~i love you~i love you Mia McCall Wood. I made a wish and you came true!

love,
mommy

emotional deja vu

2010-01-13T17:51:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, "the big fall" was a common theme in my dreams. I'm referring to the kind that Alice takes just before she touches down in Wonderland. The first time I went on a free-fall ride I tripped out because the big fall was exactly like I'd experienced it in my dreams. My wheels still spin off of that phenomenon. Before I ever buckled up & dropped 12 stories in "real life" I had a completely accurate physical feeling of the big fall. I loved the loss of control, the freedom of it.

Thats an example of a physical feeling that I knew before I really felt it. There's this other feeling, an emotion. I've felt it floating around me my whole life. Sometimes it will breeze through & leave a little something lingering. Other times its like a heavy presence. If I try to explore it or grab hold of it its gone. I'm one of those people that can never EVER make out the image in the magic eye pictures. If you want to piss me off then say this, "don't look too hard for it...just let it appear...let it come to you". Anyways, this emotion, its always been there in a very haunting way.

I want so much to share something that happened recently. Every time I try to write it out it doesn't seem like enough. Its buggin me. I'd let it go, but its changed me. Completed me...not in a Jerry Maguire way as much as its filled up the empty places in all of me with something beautiful.

Spitting it out now.

Last Tuesday night my dad and I hooked up for some father/daughter time. My dad and I have always been close, we're similar. I love the ways that we're alike. There was a time just after my parents divorced that we were incommunicado...i never wanna hurt like that again. Our reconciliation was a big beautiful deal, now we're stronger than ever and all that good stuff. My dad's REALLY funny. He's the most famous person anywhere he goes. He is charisma & charm. People can't get enough of him. Its never easy to have him to myself. Tuesday was special...it was just us. We caught up on some lifey stuff before we engaged in a pretty radical heart to heart.

That day at work I had 2 huge battles. I literally argued for 3 hours...by that night there was no more fight left in me. We had a lot of ground to cover. The conditions were right. His timing couldn't have been better.

Simply put, my dad wanted to tell me the desires of his heart for my life. At first I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes. It was all the stuff I'd always wanted, that anyone would hope for. As he went on there was something so sincere in his sharing. I knew it was important to take him seriously. His words could have been taken from the same "jennie's future" talks we had when I was nineteen, but he definately wasn't repeating. These words were a fresh start. He described the dreams I've had my entire life like they were brand new. From here on out I'd be living my life the way it was meant to be lived. Good and bad he wanted to be intimately included in all things me.

He cautiously offered advice. He reminded me of who I am, what I should watch out for because of how I am. From there he took it up a notch and laid out warnings. Sighting examples from my know it all terrible teen years. There was a sting in being reminded of that stupid girl that's still very much a part of me. I started to recoil, prepared for emotional lock down, but i just couldn't reject his sincerity, the genuine love in his eyes for jack ass me. He loved all of it because its me. Somebody was loving all of me?

Its a scary thing to be known. Someone defined vulnerablilty to me as a military term referring to a soldier that's dropped his shield leaving their heart exposed-risking a fatal wound. In the safe, secure space of our encounter I let down my shield. I felt free, completely accepted. I'm gonna go with unconditionally loved. It was at that moment that the magic eye's image started to come into focus for me.

It was just such a weird feeling. It felt like the biggest desire of his heart was to see me be truly happy. Like if nothing good ever happened in his life ever again it would be everything to him that my life is beautiful. Like that is what he'd prefer. He'd sacrifice the love of his life so that I could have mine.

I drove out of that parking lot spinning. I had to pull over before I got home. The emotional deja vu was coming on strong. It was so much more than I could wrap my mind around. I just sat real still and felt it settle in around me, sink into me, soak me up. This deepest yet vaguest feeling from the beginning of me was mine.

My dad's an extrordinary father and an amazing man. I don't want to take anything away from that. Its just that in this instance my dad's love is metaphoring all over me. Symbolizing the often referred to, but rarely recognized "heavenly father's" love. I'm so sorry if you don't have anyone to metaphor all over you. I know that I'm the luckiest girl in the whole world to have all of the love that i do. Maybe I'm just that retarded to need as much literalness as I do. If your dad's dead or a dick, well the correlation just won't be as obvious. Maybe you don't need a surrogate as desperately as I did. Honestly I don't think that it really matters that the love comes specifically from a dad. For me its probably really more of an accumulation of the love that I've shared with lots of people in my life.

If there's a love that never fails, that NEVER goes away...what tops that? I mean whats more worthy of someone's hot pursuit, of risking a fatal wound over or of searching their ass off for than existing in a love like that? If you come up with something let me know. Until then I'll be over here in my little space feeling all filled up with something beautiful...what I've always longed for. Its still mysterious, but its mine to tangle around in forever. my big love's never gonna go away. I can't believe i'm gonna have something that will last forever.

self portraits

2010-01-01T19:10:00.000-08:00

I feel so vain right now! I think I need to take a deep breath and a good long look at myself in the mirror...gasp! there i go again with the vain!

In an attempt to truly capture the visual essence of me in order to accurately present my appearance to the facebook community; I just had an all by myself photo shoot...I portrait-bated.

Seriously, for some reason I'm really struggling with myself over this. I can tell people do it all the time, ya know snap off an aerial shot of themselves. I wonder how long it'll be before camera technology will evolve to better suit the needs of self photographers. Ya know if apple will develop self protrait settings. There could be an adjustment to the aperature in order to capture a group shot...maybe an extention device so you don't have to stretch your arm so far? I don't know the whole solo experience felt pretty lame ass to me.

The session itself was ridiculous! It started out mellow enough, I wanted a 2010 profile pic, so I decided to take one...no big! I took a peek in the mirror... how am I lookin? well, I'm not braggin - I'm not complainin. I love my new hat. I'll just try out a couple smiles & then upload some Christmas pix. It only took 2 flashes and I turned into Francesco Scavullo. Before I knew it I'd taken about 20 pictures of moi. As I reviewed them I noticed some valid causes for retakes...something on my teeth, blood shot eyes (nothing a little visine can't take care of) it probably wouldn't kill me to put on some lip gloss, BUT that is where I draw the line! Jennifer Shhmennifer you will not tear this house apart looking for a fan & your fog machine!!!

I take like 30 more pictures. Upload FIFTY of them & then begins the scrutiny. They all looked the same for the most part. Some of them had the half open eyes...delete. To my credit I didn't do any of those trying to be cute or seductive faces...hey, if they happened to come out cute & seductive it was what it was. In 5 or so of them I was sportin a full blown jabba the hut double chin. These pictures are a damn lie! I'm deformed-my friends always tell me when I have food in my teeth why didn't they tell me I'm deformed! Thank God my inner beauties goin off right now or I'd be looking for a hole to hide in!

I finally narrowed my choices down to 9 faces. It was so weird to really reeaaally look at myself. Of course I was totally critical, noticing every flaw. I started to wonder what other people saw. I get alot of, "ya know who you look like?!" its always interesting to get a little glimpse of yourself through someone elses eyes.

I spent so much time analyzing my options that my face didn't even look like a face anymore. Finally I just picked one. I had the thought, c'mon jen what do you like about the way you look? I went back to all 50 pictures. This time I took a look with a softer eye. Well for starters I like my hair. My eyebrows haven't been giving me too much trouble lately. I wish clavicles got more press...honestly if ballet neck lines work their way into fashion i'm gonna be the belle of the ball! my hands are soft...i love how one of my knees looks like a skull and the other one is shaped like a heart. After about 15 minutes I was totally gay for myself.

I look how I look on purpose. We all do. I mean we can do all the body modification we want, but this afternoon it just seemed to be kindof a profound realization that I've been created to be how I am...who I am. I am intentional. All things concerning me aren't as random and coincidental as I sometimes dismiss them to be. mmmm disclaimer: don't panic I'm not about to find deep meaning and significance in every butterfly & rainbow.

I don't know-maybe you already knew this and I'm just late to the rodeo, but somehow really believing, understanding that I'm not of my own creation it feels crazy good! Like getting my final divorce papers all over again good.

I don't anticipate anymore self portrait sessions in my near future. I love what I learned from it, but if anyone asks if I took my own profile picture I'm blaming it on the sudafed and left over champagne.

its finally final!

2009-12-23T02:50:00.000-08:00

Ya know how when people are in love, in a committed relationship & live together, they'll sometimes say, "we don't need a piece of paper to make it real". We all know its not about a piece of paper. At the same time, at the end of high school-college, any segment of education, we get a diploma. Again not about the paper, but it matters. For the last 2 hours and 6 minutes I've been officially divorced. All legal activity for my marriage to be over is done....I've got the paper to prove it.

I wanna have a graduation ceremony or something. Celebrate. Not that my marriage ended, but for what's been accomplished. The years of working so hard to try and make our love grow, eventually just trying to make it stay. For doing my best to keep my misery a secret for his sake and then realizing that it was really for my own. I don't know, for all of the horrible things and the terrible times. I want the piece of paper to punctuate all of that, because that segment of my education is over. From this day fourth its all on me. All of the stupid things I do, the loves, the hates, the mistakes I make - none of it has anything to do with my marriage or lack there of. I am pretty sure I can count on Mike to be a retarded asshole in the future- but I can't go blamin him for all the wrongs in my world.

I was all kinds of smiley today. People kept saying, "you look great!"..no i don't, i tried to cover bed head with my hat, then the wind blew my hat into a puddle & now I have bed head/hat hair. I haven't seen my make up bag in two days and there's bbq sauce on my fancy white blouse. i didn't look great, but i know what they meant...i looked at ease, peaceful, happy.

I don't want to seem cavalier, this has been devastating...not at all what I wanted or would have planned for my life. I prayerfully begged to be rescued, for my girls to be rescued. I'm celebrating because we have been.

I'm too tired to explain, but I actually had to divorce him twice. It was pseudo official in March-clerical error. In June when it was supposed to be over for real there was a legal fiasco, so we had to start the whole process all over again.

I think time disolved away alot of the sadski that I've been told to expect on this the finally final day. I have a document stamped by the State of California Superior Court, its pretty much my favorite thing in the whole world. Some say a piece of paper won't make you feel different, not if your me. Because I feel super different. Officially Free. This day feels like an anniversary of something new.

Arrivederci Moscow Jenny

2009-12-18T12:48:00.000-08:00

Two weeks ago I had to kick Moscow Jenny out of the shelter. Sophie & Mia's Christmas play was at Capo Beach Calvary on Wednesday night, she showed up. She saw cars in the parking lot and assumed it was for Thursday night Bible study. Heroin makes her forget what day it is. She has a mad crush on Peter John, she never misses a service.

I hadn't seen her since I gave her das boot. She sat down behind me, tickled my neck and said, "I miss you Jhenny. I'm so fawlked up!" After the play we had a chat.

Moscow Jenny: I'm using vid da needle.
Me: I know. Your skin smells like insulin & bandaids. Is it expensive? What's it like being a hooker?
Moscow Jenny: I am expensive! Why are you being so mean?

good question. I had to stop & think. Well Moscow Jenny you are the recipient of my frosty bite because the truth is I am kindof mean.

Moscow Jenny: "I miss you so much Jhenny...there's something about the way you made me feel...like you cared about me, luvft me".
Me: Don't go Abbey Road on me Moscow Jenny! I never said i luvft you! it's my job to care for you. Exhale: " Let's get together when your not so fawlked up & talk - ok?
Moscow Jenny: HA HA HA! you have a fffrreeeckle in your eye!
Me: That's enough words that start with "fffrrr" for tonite! you just fire hosed the freckle in my eye with spit. Great now i'm gonna need Valtrex! Are you coming to church tomorrow night, ya know on the right night?
Moscow Jenny: yes

I figured-she'd never miss a chance to try and hump pastor Pete's leg.

Why I was being mean.
The day before she was exited we'd had a long talk. We found out that her reprobate husband was going to the big house for several years (13 of them minimum). That's the kindof thing that happens when you use the girls your smuggling into the country as surgical mules for drugs. She wanted to visit "da Jack".

Moscow Jenny: .... but he luvfts me!
Me: No he doesn't! He doesn't even heart you! He's what your used to and people always think familiar is right. Its not. Its just the same. Don't hold onto someone that won't hold you back. Unless your going to count a choke hold as holding you back. He insults you, doesn't trust you. Does he even know you or understand anything about you?

I told her to be back from her Dr.s appt. by 5:30 and said good-bye. Then I packed up her stuff...just had a feeling.

She left for Mexico to get "da Jacks" car because that's what her beloved asked of her. Customs wouldn't let her bring it over the border. The hold up caused her to miss curfew - until 4:30pm the following day. She was out. Those are the rules.

I found a picture of us that I didn't know she'd taken. We were waiting to go to court. She's smiling at the camera. I'm glaring at da Jack. I let him have it that day. Moscow Jenny loved being defended, validated. I understood how she felt. I guess I did have some luvf for her.

Where did it go? That I don't understand....which is so frustrating. I'd hoped to know everything by now.

this is true....i have witnesses

2009-12-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

Smoking stopped for me on Mother's Day of this year. Here's what happened. It was April. I was working in the thrift shop...having a horrible day. At the time I was pal'n around with the meanest friend I've ever had; that's what I liked about him. Everybody hated him...his friends, his family, everyone that encountered him. Oh my gosh his room mates deserve a medal! He was totally a dick, but it was hilarious to me. Ya know all those sarcastic/rude comments that'll pop into your head to say to people...he'd actually say them out loud. It was the perfect kindof companionship for that time. Anyways we were the kindof friends where romanticness was NEVER going to happen, so it was totally weird when he came into my work & said, "i'm breaking up with you!" whatever, you can't fire me I quit. bye. It wasn't emotional devastation, just not the way I wanted to start my day.

Later on...a little lunch, snuck a smoke, then back to bizness. Cool only 6 more hours to go. I had just finished attempting to cover the scent of Marlboro when a Mexican woman busted into the shop. "ELLA USTED ES!!!" translation: "there she is!" wearing a long flowy skirt, peasant blouse & legit Tiajuana haraches Crystalena Tiggered her way into the shop, then stops and takes that crouching tiger "before my next move" stance. She shouted out again, "ELLA USTED ES!!!" Ole!!!. Hi i'm Ella, how can i help you? confession: she didn't really say ole.

Fortunatley Crystalena's husband Mark entered & began to translate. As it turns out Crys woke up that morning and told her hubby they needed to take the bus to San Clemente from Santa Ana. Mark is a pastor of a church there. God told her there was an "ella" that needed to hear her story and receive prayer. They had wandered around until they found me....tears!

The 1st part of Crystalena's story sucked it, but I knew why I needed to hear it. It was especially heart wrenchingly beautiful to watch her relate the most dismal portion of her testimony with a brilliantly shining smile followed by Mark's tearful, tight throated translation of the breaking of his wifes heart.

I was a mascara streaked mess! I try so hard to take all the off planet things that happen in my life in stride, make them no big deal. I believe everything happens for a reason, but since I'm not the center of the universe the happenings aren't singularly happening all about me...capiche? What Crys shared with me next was undeniabley supernatural. Her words were specific, straight from the places in my heart that I tried to pretend didn't exist. She named names, spoke of my 2 daughters, referenced desires in me with the specific odd phrasing that I'd used to describe them in my prayers. I've kept them as promises. Some of the things she spoke burned my face with red-hot shame. Other words sent me soaring.

"Crys want's to know what you want her to pray for you?" Mark asked on behalf of his wife. "ummm Crys is hella spooky. She pretty much nailed the most private places in me...i'll take whatever she decides to go with, suprise me". There were hug's-kisses- the exchanging of contact info & then the two caught the 1Bus to the 91Bus returning them to their home.

We kept intouch via email. The couple returned to see me each Wednesday. The Wednesday before Mother's Day Crys came alone, between us there was enough Spanglish to make communication possible. She told me this, "Every morning I pray for you with the sisters (as in nuns) we are fasting". "Are you effing kidding me! Your missing the most important meal of the day on account of me! well don't! damn! I don't even fast for me!"

"We're being obedient yennyfer"....gulp!

It was the first time my dear friend seemed sad. "yennyfer...Your heavenly father loves you so much. Your His precious daughter...your life will be beautiful! don't be afraid, persevere". I hate that word so much. Persevere used as foreboding verb- not waiting. not surviving. worse than both, its struggling through the shit storm of life. Nuns were fasting and praying for me....I was all 4 Aces and now Crystalena had to go all buzz kill.

Sunday, May 11th as I lay me down to sleep it occured to me that I didn't smoke all day. Instantly I thought of Crys and her prayer posse. I emailed her the following morning, "you prayed for me to quit smoking yeah?" Her reply, "we prayed that the things that are harmful to you would be mercifully removed from your life".

No more cigarettes, mean guy was outski, obsessivly bitter thoughts weren't looping through my mind & the burden of heavy heartedness had disolved....leaving me with a lightness. I'm sure there's more.

Thank You sisters for leggoing your eggos for my sake...I'm gratefully humbled by your sacrifice as well as your prayers of merciful freedom for my life ~ love

Tragicle: A tragic miracle

2009-12-15T01:10:00.000-08:00

My ethnic heritage is a bit murky. There are several theories...little bits of this-little bits of that. Growing up my parents always supported me in my pursuit of international interestingness, no matter how far fetched. There were lots of berets, kilts, foreign foods, celebrating of holidays that didn't make the cut for Hallmark calendars, etc.

One of my favorite possibilities was the somewhat plausible chance that I'm potentially a little bit 3rd generation gypsy. That's the family folklore I've chosen to sink my teeth into.

3 years ago I had a bullet point experience on the time line of my life. I met a real live gypsy woman from Romania. Her gypsyness was on the level, nothing else about her was. Its a remarkable story, I have to tell it in person though because there are motions, accents, facial expressions and spitting....the spirit of the story is lost in translation via written word.

This woman's children were the 1st human trafficking victims that I worked with. I care about all the little children of the world, but for me eastern europeans stand out a little bit above the rest of the globe. Those people are screwed! and since they're 28ish% my blood i tend to hope a little harder in their direction.

Tonite I saw a film called "Listen: A New African Narrative" an amazing documentary featuring the lives of 5 regular joes in Africa that are changing their communities through hard work & prayer. It reminded me of a similar story from my homeland (gawd! i love saying that!). like to hear it-here it goes...

There's a little town called Panaci at the base of the Carpathian mountains. If you stand facing the East you can see "Bran Castle" aka Count Dracula's super spooky vampire headquarters. Panaci is said to be satan's daytime haven, legend is he walks the town by day but at night returns to the less horrific surroundings of hell.

Theres a taphouse (bar/brothel) randomly off to the side of a dirt road just outside of Panaci. There's nothing else around for miles. Out the back door there's a winding trail that leads into the forest. The trees are hundreds of feet tall, but they are dry and dead...they have a sulfuric odor. There's an odd humidity. When its cold and stale everywhere else the atmosphere on that dark path feels like hot breath. I know this because that's the way it was described to me by "smuggled into the US/Czech Republic jenny" who knew Illiana (pronounced ill-eee-Yawn-a).

Illiana's earliest memory occured when she was 6 years old...that's her guess. She was sleeping on the dirt floor of the only home she'd ever known. It was a large room beneath the bar. After hearing of the atrocities that took place down there it sounds more like they dug a 400 square foot grave and then nailed in wooden floor boards to trap the occupants inside. Patrons of the bar would take a little tripski downstairs to violate the women and children. Then I assume they would head home to their own wife & kids. Illiana estimates that there were about 24 adult women and half as many children. She didn't know which woman was her mother. She knew of the trail that I mentioned before because it was her responsibility to carry the bodies of dead babies out that way to be buried or burned.

She had never seen the daylight. She only knew that something other than night existed by word of mouth from girls that were kidnapped off the streets of surrounding cities and thrown into the dungeon.

Illiana described sleep as the great escape (i hear ya sista!). She had a beautiful reoccuring dream, it took place every seventh night. She'd go somewhere she'd never been before. There was soft green grass beneath her always bare feet, no brittle pine needles. "all of the colors curved in the blue sky" Illiana's description of what we refer to as a rainbow. She explained the warmth of the sun. The air that was light, that didn't smell of smoke and men. All of the women and children were there with her, laughing and playing and "cleaned like vith dah soap".

After several repetitions of her trip to fantasyland Illiana shared her experience with some of the others. Soon after that all of the women described having the same dream every seventh night. Infact when they woke up they would discuss their crazy adventures during REM as if they were all interacting together in their sleep.
"It vas more real den being avake".

Meanwhile back at the ranch (somewhere in the states) "smuggled into the US/Czeck Republic jenny's" mom had a little prayer meeting every Tuesday...ahem-every 7 days that is ;) "MaH-MaH" was born in Orsova, Romania not far from that shit hole bar. When she was a teen ager she moved to Czech Republic to live with her aunt. She and her daughter (smuggled/CR jenny) migrated? to california in the mid 90's.

The sweet little prayer group of about 4 would gather Tuesday's and pray for the "hidden" of Panaci "O Most heavenly father, set their spirits free to feel the sun on their faces, the grass beneath their feet .....to see Your eternal promises in the brightness of daylight. Baptize and renew them with your love...inspire hope in their hearts...." I'm sure those ladies got down and prayed like they meant it.

Illiana (by way of smuggled/CR jenny) described their liberation like this, "for many days dare vere no men, dare vas no food. i don't remember sleeping. ve sent a mah-mah to check dah door. it vas unlatched....empty. ve vent outside into dah daylight.

ba da boom - ba da bing the captives were set free.

my thoughts: ok i've never been kept hostage as a sex slave (YET ahhaaahaaa... the night is young!- j/k...i'm all talk), but I have had times in my life when I was desperately sad and hurting. Those words are inadequate to express the anguish my heart was in. I guess I've felt like I was on that dark path with the dead trees & the sulfur smell. With that hot breath all over me - not in a good way. Then seemingly out of nowhere a little blip of hope on my hearts radar would start to get me going again. Ya know? I could dust myself off and get back at it or I'd feel peace and was finally able to drift off to sleep. Maybe I'd just get a little happy....some giggles & smiles. Sometimes the relief would come in the form of a distraction & the heaviness of my heart would ease up. It was never very long after those times when I'd hear from someone and they would say, "I thought of you today jen....i fired off a quick prayer...how are you?" That means so much to me now.

I cannot commit to hosting a weekly prayer group for any of you, however in the event that you cross my mind I am promising that I will fire off a prayer of undetermined length and ferver. I don't know that there will be kneeling, closed eyes, bowed head or folded hands, BUT if your in my thoughts than your in my heart & i'll say a little prayer for you.

O Night Divine

2009-12-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

Last nite Katie, Sophie, Mia & myself went to a Christmas concert hosted by Stevie Wonder. The Jonas Brothers played. India Arie was amazing. Stevie sang Ave Maria...i've always hoped to hear him sing that live...yay for something i've always hoped for happening! It was so beautiful. Watching Stevie be blind took me back to the 1st grade & two profound encounters with blindness.

Mr. Bussjaeger (my 1st grade teacher) read the story of Helen Keller to the class. He'd read for 20 minutes after lunch, I'd spend the rest of the day HORRIFIED! Are you kidding me! She can't see OR hear...seriously that can happen? Damn Helen Keller how much did God hate you! In the end I was inspired. Especially that she developed a way to communicate. "Going Helen Keller" became my biggest fear. My parents assured me that it would never happen, but just in case Katie and I practiced tracing the alphabet into the palms of each others hands. I learned some sign language..."I can't hear you" & "help! I can't see!"

Right around the time Mr. B wrapped Helen Keller: The life of a deaf & blind woman, a woman from our church went blind. She was a diabetic. After the birth of her daughter she lost her vision as a result of extremely high blood sugars over a prolonged period of time. My mom took me to see the woman & her husband speak at San Clemente Presbyterian. I was so fascinated watching her eyes google around. I could understand that they didn't work anymore what I couldn't understand was why they rolled around to the back of her head or took off in opposite directions. I loved that I could stare without offending her.

The couples story was amazing! They referred to their precious baby girl as a miracle. Never once did they express any regret in their choice to have their daughter, only blessed, only thrills.

I think it was about 3 years later the woman died. I specifically remember my prayer. "Dear Jesus, Please don't ever let this little girls daddy forget that she's a miracle. Bring mommies into her life to love her and take care of her and remind her that she is a miracle".

On Thursday night that baby girl, now 33 became a resident of the shelter where I work. She's my jenny now. It was hard to hide the fact that I was shaking when I met with her for the 1st time. Every aspect of her life is chaos. My first order of business is to help her get stabilized. She quit taking her bipolar medication because she fell in love-she felt good, didn't think she needed it. When the love buzz wore off she didn't want to refill any prescriptions because she didn't want her boyfriend to know about her illness.

She's an absolute nightmare! She hates me and she's driving the staff crazy. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE!" she goes on and on about how I can't relate to what she's feeling. She has no idea of our history...well of my history for her.

So back to the Nokia theater.... watching Stevie's sideways groove brought those memories on fast & hard. Thank you Jesus that I never went Helen Keller, for Ave Maria, for honoring me with the ability to relate to the 33 year old miracle baby that will probably be the death of me. Thank you for the opportunity to remind her of the miracle that she is. I was so overwhelmed with gratefulness! During O Holy Night a gigantic star gobo filled the stage. Shooting stars sparked across the ampitheater. Make a wish...O Lord I want to worship you...desperately I want to sing to you! it's been over a year....i miss that intimacy with You...that's my wish.

Nervously India Arie stepped onto the stage. I've never seen anyone make such a retarded entrance. She accidently strummed her guitar real loud...not as bad as feedback, but it seemed pretty rookie none the less. She said she needed to sit down. She did some of that story teller stuff....less talky more singy. She started up the big hit, ya know the one...Oprah's fave. then she stopped, shook her head and said, "Its just not gonna be right unless i do what I feel like i'm supposed to do". The band took 5....she took a deep breath and began playing the thank you Jesus song-the lyrics are different every time. Stevie the Icon alternated humming with harmonica. India thanked "her loving creator" for all kinds of things...so did I. I think my wish came true for the whole audience...so many tears...so many eyes closed and hands raised. I could hear people thanking their loving creator for the grateful places in their hearts. It was a night divine.

December 1st

2009-12-09T23:56:00.000-08:00

December 1st 1992 I woke up early and went for a run at the Laguna Niguel Regional Park. That night Katie June and I were going with my dad to this father daughter Phantom of the Opera thing. I was really looking forward to it. I was leaving at the end of January to move to Prague/Austria for 18 months so every second I spent with my family was precious. My mom and I had grown so close. In June I'd had this crazy procedure to help me quit smoking...I received 2 injections of some concoction behind each ear, nicotine patches were placed on my neck and I slept for 36 hours. When I woke up I was addiction free. Ever since that trip to the witch doctor I had been feeling really ill. As it turns out the witch doctor had skipped town & the other dr.s I consulted (there were 5 of them) said that I had a mono-ish virus, lots of blood work, nothing conclusive. I was very sick and depressed. If you know my mom you know there is no more caring and tender a person anywhere in the whole world...she spent so much time loving on me.

That morning was so different. I felt phenomenal. I felt happy & healthy, but something inside me was real serious like. This thought passed through my mind, be aware. It was deep, very real.

Jog-jog-jog...off to the right side of the trail I saw a tumble weed give a little shimmy. I was on alert. As I got closer I saw the thickest black snake poking its head out of the bushes. I stopped and watched. That anaconda didn't even slither, it looked like it was on a conveyor belt. Parks and Rec said that I was exaggerating when I told them I'd seen a 10 foot nile beast...until they captured and killed it confirming that it was a pet on the lamb. In actuality it was a 6 ft python, but it probably was as hungry for a 20 year old female jogger as I said it was.

Any other day the jog would have been over after an encounter with a serpent, but the be aware heads up was just too surreal...I was gonna be lost in thoughts for sure, better to work it out on a run, so I continued on the loop path around the lake.

I tried to be logical. Attempting to sort out what the firm cautioning thought & the serious feeling meant...they went together. Obviously God was blessing me with psychic powers in order to compensate for all of the other talent I wasn't given...ESP would totally come in handy living in Europe. OR maybe I should just be aware. Be aware of what I was thinking and feeling...ugh the serious feeling again! I had a brain rush...this day is significant, somethings happening, i'm sick-somethings seriously wrong, i'm gonna be moving away, i can tell i'm about to fall in love, my life is about to start happening. I explained this to a real smarty one time and he told me the word to describe my experience is "Agog". Its in the eager/anticipation family...premonition is a stretch, but seriously that's what was rattling around in me.

My thoughts and feelings were real. They were profound to me. They were also vague. I kept asking, "what's gonna happen? when's it gonna happen? what am i sick with? when will i know?"....I could not get off that question carousel. Before I fell asleep the serious feeling came over me again followed by the thought, "make friends with time". O God! that can't be good!

3 weeks later the medical mystery was solved. I was diagnosed with diabetes. Prague didn't want me anymore. I moved to the east coast in April. The following February Mike and I were engaged, married in September. We had babies & started a church. I landed the job of my dreams, lived a miserable life in a beautiful home & got a divorce. Which brings me to now.

December 1st 1992 - December 1st 2009. Everything seemed to happen so fast, then everything seemed to happen so slow. If a soft voice would have whispered the answers to the questions I was asking back then I would have taken an elevator to the roof top of a very tall building, swallowed a handful of pills with poison, slashed my wrists, blown my brains out & then jumped to my death. I'm not a fan of waiting. or hurting...i'm unique in that way ;)

Its not that the information would have been so horrible. It would have been thrilling actually-most of it anyways. Looking back the time frame wasn't even that bad, but I do have the advantage of looking back over 17 years seeing it all spread out, ya know?

I'm thinking about all this now...writing about all this now because I had the same kind of surreal experience yesterday. The be aware followed by a big black snake of sorts and then the brain rush with a side of agog. All the thoughts from my 1st brain rush were my hopes, dreams, fears and questions. The questions were answered. Jennifer Anne Mastain's heart & everything in it....happened. I've always been a soul searcher, so over this past 12 months when everyone was pushing finding myself on me, i was-i have been, but more than that i was recognizing my life patterns. Yesterday the new brain rush hinted at new hopes, dreams, fears and questions. I want to take what I've got and move forward. I don't wanna be such a spaz with my anticipation this go around. I know we all cycle I would just prefer an upward spiral to chasing my tail.

Yesterday afternoon I had a business appointment with a remarkable woman from Berlin. She was eccentric, agoraphobic & a bit famous. After our brief & peculiar meeting she said, "Merry Christmas to you my dear, I hope you have a lovely holiday & I'm glad that you've made friends with time". crazy right?

Miss Merriweather

2009-12-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

Parallel Universe Brett Favre was my very favorite neighborhood character when I moved to San Clemente. I saw him every morning on the bike trail. He's in his twenties and is a darker haired havin dead ringer for Brett Favre. He wears grey sweat pants with old skool navy blue gym shorts OVER the sweat pants...like Rocky. Its the same exact outfit actually. He ran like he was escaping more than exercising and as soon as he reached the 7-11 at the bottom of the hill he'd have a smoke. I was pretty sure that a cigarette was his motivation to finish that last stretch of his jog. He kindof scared me, but I thought, "aww there must be a good heart in there under the big grey hoody, the white turtle neck, the poofy scarf and the wife beater-t tank". I was wrong. He never smiled. In fact some mornings he'd take his sun glasses off just so I could see him glare at me. I saw him laugh once. A 3 or 4 year old little girl was trying to ride her scooter. She hit a bump and wiped out on the bridge. Parallel Universe Brett Favre got a kick out of that...he's a dark hearted man. I don't know, I loved that he looked like THEE Boy Scout but he so wasn't.

Parallel Universe Brett Favre reigned supreme for about 2 weeks (the laughing at the little girl thing soured me). After that he was replaced by a homeless woman that I called Miss Merriweather. She has remained in my top 5 neighborhood characters since May.

Miss Merriweather came into the thrift shop that the shelter owns every Friday afternoon. She didn't talk at all. She would just stand in front of me giggling, smiling & pointing...she made me feel famous.
After a few minutes of that she'd go look at the books and then take off. Customer's began to inform me that the shop smelled of urine. The following week I kept an eye on Miss Merriweather as she perused the reading material...she was totally peeing her pants in the book corner. The next Friday as soon as she came in I walked her outside. "Hi sweet lady. I love how you giggle and point at me! My name is Jennifer, what's yours?" NO JOKE...lots of giggles and blinking then, "beep boop beep beep yip". AAAHHHHHHH YEAH! now that's my kinda cray-zay! "Wow! that's a pretty name! It might be hard for me to pronounce though, is it okay if I call you Miss Merriweather?" She replied with lots of smiley nods and clapping.

I called her Merriweather because she looks exactly like a toothless version of one of the fairy god mothers from Sleeping Beauty...one of them is named Merriweather. If she didn't go for Merriweather R2D2 would have been my 2nd choice.

It turns out that Miss Merriweather could use words. I think she had some form of autism so the beep's, boop's, yip's & yap's were a sort of nervous communication. She called me "lady jennifer". I can't tell you how honored that made me feel to be the receipient of two of her actual words, plus i loved being called that.

The last time I saw her was in mid-October. We went to happy hour at Velvet Yogurt. While we were there some people made it real obvious that the smell of her pee soaked pants wasn't jivin with their venti acai berry with granola topping. "YIPPETY YAP YAP!!!" Miss Merriweather snarled. yippety yap yap's right Miss M...they can shove their iphones up their iholes! I'd like to mention that the thrift shop would be happy to spring for a fresh pair of pants...she wasn't into it.

I went with her to some of the local motel/brothel/meth labs to see if she could sleep in the maids quarters (they let homeless people do that sometimes in severe weather and then the county reimburses them for the room rate....sometimes). They gave me a rock solid "NO". Turns out Miss Merriweather has been known to drop"code brown" when she visits the San Clemente Inn or the Algadon...like goes number 2 in her pants...she's so classic!

I met a lot of new people when I moved to San Clemente. I trusted very few. The neighborhood characters kept it real. They may not have had much to give back, but I could trust that they would be around & that they wouldn't hurt me...at least not emotionally (parallel universe Brett Favre has assault & battery written all over him). When Miss Merriweather would spot me on Del Mar she'd gasp and say, "lady jennifer!" like a song...all lilty and sweet. When she'd hang at the shop or walk about town with me I'd talk-just about dumb stuff, "do i look fat in this? this purse is so lame i can never find anything! are you sure you don't want a new pair of pants?" ya know, girl talk. She'd just smile like she was happy to hang out with me. Shoot i was totally happy to hang out with her!

I'm worried about her today. The wind is so rough and the rain is so hard. The police are patroling the beaches; sleeping under the pier won't be an option tonite. Ugh! I hate that she smiles even when she's not happy! That used to be my specialty when i was the first lady of the living room @ laguna woods calvary. Thank God I learned to use my words and found my frown! Ha! I'd probably be a walking toilet to if I hadn't. Her heart is sweet. When people look at her like she's less she feel's like less. She's not deaf she hears the insults. She's not blind she sees the loathing looks. She's a woman...I'm sure she wants to feel beautiful and be loved. I don't know maybe I'm imposing too much of myself onto her. The truth is if I were to see her tonite there's nothing I could do for her. If I give her a sleeping bag & tent she'll probably be beaten and robbed for it. Money won't matter. There's always food somewhere so she's not hungry. She'll just walk if I place her in a room. I'm gonna ask Thomas, the head of the homeless to find her and watch out for her...and I'm gonna pray for that sweet lady.

stranger short-term care love

2009-11-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

My family spent the Thanksgiving that I was 14 at the fire station. My dad was working and we knew all the guys & their wives so it was really fun. Everybody was taking turns riding along on the calls. Kate and I were the only kids and she didn't want to go so they were waiting for something age appropriate for me. There was a fire, a suicide and a lady that choked on a bone. Finally somebody had a heart attack and I got to take my turn.

Right before we went into the patients house dad threw me a lab coat, "put this on and carry that defibrillator box". Don't mind if I do daddio. When we walked in there were about 12 frantic family members crowding around their patriarch. During dinner the dad/grampa had a heart attack. When we arrived he was lying on the ground sweating profusely, his face was purpley red, like he'd been holding his breath. The paramedics (my dad & his partner Craig) asked all the usual questions then they threw him in the back of the ambulance and we set off for the hospital. It was my 1st time in an ambulance. On the way to the hospital the man began to cry, "am I gonna die? I don't want to die!" Even I could tell his vitals were all jacked up. My dad looked at me, uhh are you gonna be cool if this guy dies...damn I probably shouldn't have brought jen on this call, should have taken her on the choker! Dad's an easy read, I later confirmed those were his thoughts.

Dad & Craig were freaking amazing! They assured the man that he would be fine; they were so comforting. The man's head tilted to the side of the ambulance I was sitting on, he looked at me-I think it was the 1st time he realized I was there. Tears were rolling down his big red cheeks. He started to gasp for breath, his left arm locked up and then it went limp and dropped off the side of the gurney. I think he was having another heart attack. I picked up his hand and held it in both of mine. He didn't look away, didn't even blink. He did however barf all over me. I finally let go of his hand when it was time to wheel him into the ER.

When we arrived my mom was parked waiting for me at Anaheim Memorial, dad must have called her? The paramedics stayed at the hospital and mom drove me back to the fire station. About an hour later dad & Craig returned. They stayed with the man...until he died & then they spent some time with the family.

I think of that family every Thanksgiving. This year I thought about that man. I remember holding his hand and looking into his eyes. He was staring into mine like a baby would...kindof searching, skeptical but then safe. I was concerned for him. If he could have read my mind this is what he would have known, I think your gonna die, but everythings gonna be ok, I'll pray for your family, they'll be ok...I feel like its your destiny to die today...or not. I'm 14 and a very dramatic girl...by the way, for some reason I can't explain & don't understand, i love you mister.

Lately I spend so much time reminiscing, today that's where I went. That was the day that I experienced love for a stranger for the 1st time..."stranger short-term care love" that's what I call it. Its unique to intense situations, emotional emergencies. It happened alot with the industry ladies, their eyes would plead, "please care about me!" I usually never see those people again....doesn't mean I don't think about them though.

this won't make sense to you....its for me

2009-11-19T02:09:00.000-08:00

dear mike,
remember that day we got married? that time our girls were born? good thing we've got those photographs i guess.

i want you to know that i could never be married to me, especially if i was you. i want you to know that on December 23rd when we shared our 1st kiss, i felt you tremble. i want you to know that you were my 1st love.

i stole your favorite shirt so that i could feel you when i slept. i fell asleep to your scent. i can't remember that smell...you can have your shirt back.

over the years i know you've heard what i've said....right now i need you to listen. for the last 2 days i've had the same memory....its been like one prolonged 48 hour thought. i'm remembering the day i knew for sure there was no more us. on august 13th do you remember saying, "i love her with all of my heart, i'll do anything to make this work, its just that she's crazy, she stays out all night, she smokes, she swares, i think she might have a boyfriend..." that's what you explained to the powers that be. I was frozen. "DO YOU LOVE MIKE? WILL YOU DO WHATEVER IT TAKES? ARE YOU CRAZY? DO YOU STAY OUT ALL NIGHT? DO YOU SMOKE? DO YOU SWARE? IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?" i can't believe they asked me that. "not any more, i have, probably, sometimes, yes, always, i hope so".

6 years before that i remember laying in bed beside you, struggling....you know what it was. that elusive conflicted feeling that i wish i understood. i woke you up, "mike, i need to know i can trust you, i need to feel free, i don't feel free. help me with this way about me that i don't understand".

i spilled all i had. i wanted you to have more of me. i needed you to help relieve me of some internal weight. after 7 years of being your wife i finally trusted you enough to hand over my heart, i belonged to you of course, but i still held something back-to keep myself safe. i was inviting you, offering you everything i had in total vulnerability to help me figure out what just didn't feel right. we dug around & eventually found the secrets, the things i hated about myself, the thing i was embarassed of that i hoped no one would ever know, the thing that kept me from feeling free.

"if people knew they'd judge me constantly, scrutinize everything i said or did...i'd instantly lose credibility...everytime my stupid slipped out people would think they knew why". you spent months consoling me. i felt like i was finally starting to understand conflicted me...everybodies a little good and a little bad, its ok that i'm alot good and a lot bad. i don't know. i started to grow, feel free, i was praised. you stopped listening to me and just heard enough to gather sound bites. you had all of me and it was just information to you. I wondered, why don't i feel safe? why don't i feel closer to you now that there's nothing blocking my heart, now that i'm totally exposed? something changed, you woke up in a new world where you had 1 up on me and you liked it there alot.

i want you to know that you ended us forever when you sat on the edge of your chair, looked over at me, then looked back at Craig and dropped the match that set the fire that burned the bridge that led to the town where we could have maybe met up again someday. it wasn't just the taunting way you spit out my secrets; that i could have recovered from. it was the way you mocked how i felt about them. you used the silly embarassed little girl words that i'd used, you revealed that part of me that i'd only ever shared with you. it felt like you dropped a treasure chest in the middle of the room, ripped the lid off and tossed everything in it around that nautical office. actually you didn't need to rip the lid off, i gave you the key. oh why did i give you the key...i should have trusted myself, somewhere inside i knew better than to hand it over to you. i just wanted to be closer, to give you more of me. i remember why now. it was the idea of a crazy tight intimacy with you, that was worth the risk for me.

let me tell you what i felt like. i felt like i was suffocating, like i was being strangled on the inside. i wanted to vanish. it was slow motion. dad put his hand on mine, i'm sure he was terrified that i was gonna stay true to my nature and go travis the chimp all over that room. do you remember when our eyes met? i do. at first you looked kindof scared of what i might do but when you saw that i'd been broken... you sat tall, you looked victorious....good on ya mikey.

let me tell you what i was thinking.... please God, go get my heart back!

i almost retaliated, i almost hit below the belt-but i didn't. because i knew that you would never recover if i did...and that's not what i want for you. besides, i'm never gonna compromise the person i am just to make us even.

so incase you were ever wondering....that's when i knew we'd never be 2. that night you moved out. the next day you called soo many people. you left voice mails. our marriage counselor called me and said, ...."this is over, this marriage...its OVER!" (this as a result of the crazy ass message you left). are you still listening because this is what he said next..."mike's fuckin crazy! his whole M.O. is to punish you...you are not safe!" All of this said by the smartest guy anyone i know- knows...he's a psychiatrist, neurosurgeon & a real live quantum physicist Mike! but enough about you and your diagnosis, here's what he had to say about me: "jennifer you are a stellar individual, you are astounding in every way... you are not crazy....". i'll be damned if i didn't want to paint that on the garage door.

i have to tell you that i've enjoyed the new found peace between us. thank you. for what its worth, i never betrayed you. i feel like you've hurt yourself by believing all of the untrue things that you've said...ya know believing your own lies like you do. i am sorry that you've been hurt by the things that are true, but i'm not sorry that they happened.

i wrote you this letter tonite because mikey i got my heart back. i don't know if you gave up your grip or if you left it lying on the ground somewhere and i finally found it, but its mine to carefully hold onto once again. its alive and free. am i crazy that i'm somehow grateful to you, that i have a lump in my throat and i so much wanna pick up the phone and say, "i remember who you were before we wrecked each other. don't ever doubt that i loved you. lets be ok".

indulge me one last time, lets pretend your asleep and i'll make a wish over you. for you mike...i wish a healed heart & a beautiful love, not the kind where you look over your shoulder to make sure i'm watching, but the kind that fogs your brain & changes your world....the kind of big love that makes you more and helps you to become the man that you want to be. good night.

Dear Jennie 11-11-11

2009-11-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

Hey me in the future! according to all your cosmic friends this is the day that is somewhat scientifically acknowledged as the date that anything you wish for will come true.

I have no idea what you'll be wishing for 2 whole years from now, i'm more curious about how your life is... what you do, where you live, how you are. Sophie turned 16 yesterday & Mia is 12...you are 39...THIRTY-NINE! you always wanted to be 40 :) Do you feel grown up yet or do you still think you're pulling something off when your arguing for someones rights? do you even work in advocacy anymore?

Do you still wish your phone had a grenade app everytime you see a couple wearing matching outfits? Do you still wonder what bionic power you'd want...like you might need to know in case your approached by a bio-ethics professer that works for a secret government agency? When you're at the beach and you see dolphins, for a split second do you still think that maybe there is such thing as a school of sharks and that there's about to be a serious blood bath at sano? Do you still sing the i get to take a nap and you don't song? Does anything melt your heart like the mad men when they finally break down and the tears flow? Does somebody love you? Did you ever find a safe place to tell your secrets? i can't wait to know.

Thanksgiving is in 2 weeks...make Lasagna this year. You can make Turkey next Thursday. Quit pretending you understand football and pay attention when its explained to you for the millionth time. If all goes according to schedule Mike will have the girls that weekend...go somewhere that's too far away to drive.

Now my dear put the wacky folk tale to the test, think of the most ridiculously impossible thing that you can & put it out there. hmmm? i love that i truly have no idea what future me would wish for? oh well, from way back here in 2009 my wish for you is to be happy, no matter what's going on in your life i hope that you are happy.

love, me

happy birthday sophie!

2009-11-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

Oh Sophie Bophie! In the morning when you wake up you'll be 14! November 10,1995 I watched you wake up from your 1st sleep. You could barely open your eyes, but when you did you were looking so sweetly into mine. We shared our 1st conversation from mommy heart to baby girl heart. I knew in some cosmic way you had to be feeling the same as me, like we'd already loved each other for a really long time. I kept saying, "i love you sophie" over and over. It was so important to me that you heard it out loud. I didn't say this out loud but its what i thought...lord jesus, please show sophie something beautiful in everything. when her life is hard give her hope for something beautiful & when people don't see the beauty in themselves...let them see it in her eyes. gramma was only 19 years old on the day that i was born, when she prayed that for me.

Once when you were 4 years old we were eating at a casino in vegas. Our waitress was tore up from the floor up. She looked like she'd put her lipstick on in the dark...with her feet and her false eyelashes were all crooked and jacked up with glue blobs. You leaned over to me and said, "mommy that ladies wearing the fanciest bathing suit I've ever seen. she's soooo beautiful!" you melted that woman's heart sophie. I watched her face change because she saw her true beauty in your eyes.

You are so wise soph! you have the unique ability to accurately assess a situation (ya know, see the reality) and make a judgement, but not be judgemental. When you were in Kindergarden I ran into that god awful woman that I hate more than kirk cameron but for all the same reasons...do you know who i'm talking about? she's got the 3 kids i hate almost as much? you were carrying a BRATZ doll that i was gonna buy you. She went off on how disgusting she thought they were. Then she looked right at you and said, "they're not very modest sophie, you don't like them do you?" she sucked all the joy out of you, tried to shame you. That night you & mia were playing with "Jazmine". I snuck up to hear what you were saying. You were praying with her to ask jesus into her heart. you said, "mia it doesn't really matter what she wears". That's right sophie, it doesn't matter what VD Barbie wore you saw her beautiful heart.

I'm so sorry for how much pain you've had to endure this year. I'm sick that you and mia have to experience a hurt that in alot of ways is deeper than mine. Our family isn't over baby girl, its just gonna be different. Believe me when i say that there is so much beauty in our future. There will be so much love that won't go away. i don't care how mad you get at me Michael Wood...you can't make me stop loving you. You and mia would giggle when i said that to your daddy...i meant it. Oh my innocent little girls someday i hope you'll understand. Your daddy and i love you, that will never stop....no one will ever take your place in our hearts.

oh please dream big dreams my soph...tell me because i'll be able to see them comin from farther away. I can hope with you! This is a new time sophie, i know you can feel it to...things are getting better. "Much Betta"!

i love you, i love you, i love you sophia katherine wood...make a wish! I made a wish and you came true...happy birthday!
xoxo,
mommy

...."When she lays around the house, she really lays around the house"

2009-11-07T17:57:00.000-08:00

As over resting & finding myself as I am, I have appreciated having the time to think. I've especially enjoyed reminiscing about my childhood, why i am the way i am. The other day I remembered how the little girl me imagined the grown up me would be. Wait a minute...that's who I am? I turned out like I hoped, I feel like I wanted to feel.  I'm living the life I'm supposed to be living...my best life. Don't get me wrong life is still a cyclone, i'm just realizing that its the last 7 years that were what didn't jive with the true me. The more time that passes the freer and truer I become. Those sentences by the way, would give Oprah a total boner.

So what now? I'm totally into where the day takes me, its just unusual for me not to have anything to pursue....nothing to do with my ambition, ya know? Its not a full blown identity crisis, but its along those lines. I think about it more & more lately.

When I picture my future there is one scenario that has crept from my subconscious to the forefront of my thoughts. I actually dreampt something like it, now its taken on a life of its own. Its the wrongest chronic day dream I've ever had (there have been several). I hope that its really a passion of mine that in time I'll discover, but for now its disguised in a warped metaphor. Join me as i reveal my crazy to you.

I wonder what it would be like to be morbidly obese. Not lap band fat, but Jerry Springer, break down my bedroom wall & hoist my fat ass out of there with a crane obese. That's what I wonder, the day dream is that its on purpose...completely intentional AND that my journey to super fat is made into a documentary.
I haven't named it yet. I want an amazing title.

The filming begins in the present time. We open with a day in the life of me. Then I'm interviewed, I tearfully share that the big fat is what's been missing in my life & that i'll never be complete until I achieve 750. Finally I'll explain how I plan to reach my goal. There will be a training montage...my failures: at the end of a bad day we fade to black. When I hit a milestone, maybe after I've gained my 1st hundred pounds we celebrate my accomplishment.There's a medical emergency right around 575 and we don't know if I can go on, people are trying to persuade me to give up, but I'm determined to persevere....i shift my custom triple king size hospital bed towards the window and search the gray sky for the strength and courage i need to make it on my own !

In the final 5 minutes my boyfriend is introduced. Every single lady viewer with 10 pounds to lose say's "what the hell!!! how does that 1 ton woman have a boyfriend and I don't...That's It! i'm moving to the midwest...a 4 in California is like a 9.5 in Witchita". Its always the same, "boyfriend" is suprisingly attractive-thin, but when he opens his mouth to talk he's dumbtarded....he answers the questions wrong, fights with the interviewer and he has 1 big word that he uses out of context. "Its innocuous that's what it is, ain't nobody gonna tell us how we can or can't live". Then in the final scene the camera is voyeuristically peeking into the bedroom, boyfriend walks in with 6 pizza's and a liter of coke, he shuts the bedroom door behind himself and the credits roll. Everyone watching shudders and says, "o my gawd they're gonna have sex! ewww! how is that even possible?"         Il Finito

I'm hoping this is symbolic, like: My destiny's magnetic pull is to be more. Maybe its a rebellious desire to go backwards on society? "I'll love you no matter what jen, its your essence...." I'd love to put that one to the test. All I know is that its the only thing that's coming to me..and it feels kindof right. Not the fat, but the big unexpected future part, the new, the different. Like I said before, I hope that there's a deeply profound hidden meaning that will be revealed to me. Hopefully sometime before Richard Simmons needs to make a house call.

Needs to see a Dentist Jenny

2009-11-07T15:12:00.000-08:00

This is no exageration: 4 top teeth, 7 bottom teeth (that includes a few molars). That's "needs to see a dentist jenny's" oral situation. The 11 teeth that she's workin with aren't lookin so good. When I interviewed needs to see a dentist Jenny she explained that she had a severe allergic reaction to a medication as a child. It seems as if the symptoms lay dormant and then 30 years later returned and ate holes through her teeth. "WOW! ya know what else has a tendency to wreck a smile like that...smoking rock...please tell me the truth so we can help you". She spilled and then some. She kept covering her mouth to talk to me, eventually I had to hold her hands in my lap so that she could just speak. I've never been around someone that was so insecure and ashamed of their appearance. It made me so uncomfortable & self conscious about my own teeth...note to self: pick up some floss STAT!

A few weeks later when we brought her in I was searching her purse and I found an altoids tin that contained several of the teeth that she had lost. Why the hell would she hang onto these? I found some other items in her belongings that led me to believe that she was prosituting. Weird side note: I found tons of dental floss, what? Turns out she used to be a hygentist, chalk one up for irony.

Sadly she tested dirty so she had to go. I drove her to Cabazon. Cabazon is a work ranch. "Beans, Rice and Jesus Christ"...that's their motto. Its cultish, but its free and after 45 days I can bring them in. Mostly I wanted her to detox from her environment...lifestyle. Ugh she was so over the top high! I was not looking forward to our 2 hour drive. We set out and she was all jitters. After I got gas I told her that I was tired and cranky and pissed that she had used. Staying still was beyond her control, but I stood a better chance of not snapping if we played the quiet game at least until Anaheim. She agreed but lost the game.

While we were stuck in grid lock I prayed for her. hahaaa i was really praying for me not to make her get out and walk. As I prayed I saw bugs in her hair. She had cigarette burns on her neck & raunchy hicky's. She started to shake & sweat. Then the panic set in....PRAY FOR ME HARDER! Classic! 1st of all she totally called me out cuz that was one half ass prayer. 2nd I realized that every detox that I've been with, (whether they've ever been to church a day in their life or not) asks for prayer. Go Get Jesus! that's what their plea sounds like to me.

I tried to get an impression of her inner beauty. I held her hand and looked at her hair, her neck, her teeth. hmm what's she feeling? "Needs to see a Dentist Jenny have you ever been in love?" she started bawling then told me one of the most romantic saga's I've ever heard. When she was done she fell asleep and stayed that way until we reached the ranch.

The next day I told my friend Josie what a trip it was that she crashed after being so amped. Jo told me that when that happens they call it, "getting saved". When someone's been living way too fast there's a relief when they get caught. Usually it happens when the cops pick them up or they end up in the hospital because they nearly o.d'd. A girls been saved when she can sleep peacefully, but she has to be ready. In prison Josie would sing over her fellow inmates as they slept. Jo sounds exactly like Janis Joplin and she sings at the top of her lungs. Despite her volume they were still able to sleep. Everyone that's heard her agrees that she has the very most passionate soulful voice they've ever heard. She sang over me more than once. She'd sing words or phrases of hope & comfort over me. I've never experienced anything like it.

This Wednesday Needs to see a Dentist Jenny completed her 45 days. She arrived at the shelter Thursday afternoon. I just got back from seeing her, she looked so much better! Her teeth are still sci-fi but Monday we're suprising her with a trip to the dentist, he's gonna hook her up with some chiclet's.

All she talked about was her true love, I can tell he'll be her incentive/obsession while she's with us. That's cool. I've found that when someone's keeping their eye on the prize and that prize is the big love they learn alot on the way. By the time they "get there" they're ususally healthy enough to know what to do with that relationship.

We spent sometime reviewing her drug history. She was suzie homemaker until she was 37 then she divorced & someone introduced her to meth & coke...all the fast stuff. She's 52 now. I asked her what she liked about it, "It made me feel beautiful, so beautiful on the outside that I didn't feel anything on the inside" (that's 2 for irony, because it made her crazy snaggletoothed on the outside).

Monday we go to the dentist...I'm excited to see what kindof jenny she's gonna be.

Tenderness

2009-10-31T19:48:00.000-07:00

I love my friend Jenny- that's really her name :) I miss spending time with her. Life is settling down now, I'm hoping to see her more. Jen has a brother named Bobby. Bobby's mentally retarded. I think he has the mental capacity of a 3 year old. He communicates very well even though he has a vocabulary of about 5 words. He likes to play catch with a wiffle ball and hold hands. I think we were both born in 1972, we are definately the same age in spirit.

One night we were all talking, I was reporting on the current events of my life. I began to cry. It wasn't a release, it was turmoil. I didn't want to move or have to get an additional job. There had just been a major legal error that was going to set things back for months. I was so sick of having the finish line picked up and moved so much further ahead.

Bobby got up and knelt on the floor facing me. He started to moan empathetically. He touched my tears with his left hand and held my right hand tightly in his. He began to kiss my hand and then touched it to his forehead. Jenny and I were both stunned, "I've never seen him behave like this" jenny said. Bobby's eyes were locked on mine. Ususally he'll make eye contact for a flash and then he shifts his head to the right and his eyes dart up and away. He has the sparkliest eyes I've ever seen.

He took my hand again and touched it to my own forehead. I was trying so hard to pull myself together because I didn't want to upset him, I wasn't sure he understood. We sat there silently for a bit and then Jenny and I noticed that Bobby's eyes were leaking. I looked deeper into him and I saw it, "Bobby you do understand don't you, you know what I'm feeling". He bowed his head as he made a raspy but compassionate sound. His reaction melted me into a foreign place. I was totally unfamiliar with this feeling. It was a combination of love, comfort, relief, empathy, compassion, strength, energy...I'd come undone and his tenderness raveled me back together. I wrote a poem about it called, "Soul Kiss". Its pretty much Shakespeare...ahaaahaaahaa! I love my ego sometimes!

There's a gypsy saying, "salt taste's as sweet as sugar when your accustomed to eating dirt". I think in its origin it was a gypsy scam to sell salt. That night there was no salty artifical sweetner...sugar tasted like sugar cuz it was. Bobby's tenderness was the real deal.

anything can happen

2009-10-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Here's what I love about life: Anything can happen at anytime. That can work for you or against you. Today "anything can happen" was working heavily in my favor.

Today was Aces from the get go. The shelter is looking to hire a new house manager so I inteviewed women all day. I LOVE going on job interviews...I pretend i'm on a talk show. Conducting interviews is a brand new kindof fun. These ladies were pro's and I tortured them, It was hilarious! I grilled them on their resumes..."So when you say that your objective is to obtain a position that will enable you to use your strong organization skills, educational background, and ability to work well with people...what exactly do you mean by that". squirm, squirm, squirm. So obviously I had a great day at work.

After work I was on the trail and a mother pushing her child in a stroller stopped a woman with TWO pitbulls and said, "are your dogs friendly?" HA! Seriously? you might as well kiss your toddlers face good bye lady, because I know what the dog owners about to say and its a load of shit. As I walked away I went dream sequence. I'm back at my EX-favorite spot and Domino's there. He's been in some crazy accident and lost a leg. His stooge owner leashes him to a handicap sign and I mock him for only having 3 legs. Victims of human trafficking and abused women & children are gonna have to fend for themselves...I'm all about taken Domino down from here on out.

So Then tonite, somebody gives me $1000 dollars! Ya know how when your struggling through life people are like, "is there anything I can do to help?". If your like me you'll either say "no" or you'll hand off something that you know they can be trusted to do, but really your thinking, "ya know what you could do for me is give me some cash". Tonite totally caught me off guard. They just slipped me an envelope and said this is for you jen, you've done good! my jaw dropped, i tearfully whispered thank you as they walked away. I should have yelled, "WAIT SOUL MATE! this is the best 1st date i've ever had!" just kidding, it wasn't really the best 1st date I've ever had....ahhhaahhhhaahh! double just kidding it wasn't a date...ya know, on account of me bein a nun and all.

The Big Wish

2009-10-27T21:12:00.000-07:00

The Big Wish: "I want to meet the Jonas Brothers in "real-life". Not at a show or a promotional appearance, I want to share a moment, not just a snapshot & a hand shake." sophie wood ~ Thursday, February 19th, 2009

February 22nd Sophie and I were heading up to Sprinkles in Beverly Hills for some $7 cupcakes. It was also the day of the Academy Awards so soph and I had everything west of Pico to ourselves. We ended up at the Beverly Westfield Plaza. Its lovely if you haven't been; like if the spectrum and fashion island had a baby.... and it was twice as big as they are "Honey I shrunk the Beverly Westfield Plaza" (kindof like the baby from those movies). That place is so deluxe!

Sophie and I had been there maybe 10minutes when she stopped and grabbed my arm. She could barely choke out, "mu-mu-mommeeee, Oh my god!" over and over she said that. Sophie's not easily star struck so her inability to speak combined with the hyperventilation meant that it was either an asthma attack or a BIG celebrity sighting. There was a little dust cloud type crowd gathering nearby. I stepped up to take a peek and then I started to hyper ventilate a little bit to. The way I remember it, the clouds parted, doves descended from the heavens and the voice of God rang out saying, "hey look everybody....Its Joe freaking Jonas!"

I felt like I was on a temperpedic magic carpet ride; thrilling and dreamy all mixed together. Joe was with his goddess of a girlfriend. Her names Camilla, she was in the movie, "When a Stranger Calls". We stood beside them at The Bakery. The song, "Beautiful Soul" by cutie pie disney phenom Jesse McCartney was playing. Joe & I hummed along together, Yes that counts as a duet. Soph and I grabbed a table and kept an eye on the beautiful people. They stood at the bottom of the escalator, it looked like they were waiting for somebody, plus it made for a great hiding spot.

Just as we polished off our treats who should come cruisin down the escalator but the money shot himself, Nick Jonas. Sophie leaned over to me and said, "mommy my wish is coming true". It was, but more than that we were about to live a lesson.

There was a reason Sophie made her wish that Thursday night, why it was such a big deal. Someone that she should have been able to trust had wounded her deeply. In a very couragous act of vulnerability she attempted to share her feelings, insecurities with this person. Rather than responding with the sensitivity and tenderness that she should have been able to expect, he lashed out at her because of his anger towards me. He criticized & insulted her physical appearance making sure that her 13 year old ego was demolished. He wrapped up his little rant with, "Your not gonna meet the Jonas Brothers, and even if you did it wouldn't be good enough...because nothings ever good enough for you".  It had been over a week since that cruel episode had taken place. Thursday night the wound was gushing blood as if it had just happened.  Crying at bedtime has been a given for 2009. This was different, worse. These tears were from somewhere far deeper inside of Sophie than the place where the pain of our divorce was coming from. I can't explain it, she was just wrecked.

I couldn't put Sophie back together. I left her sobbing in her bedroom and took off for the kitchen. I started ripping through the cupboards. I had liquor for days! People kept coming over with wine that either wouldn't get opened or wasn't finished, so I had all that. Then I started finding CostCo size Vodka & Rum, I think my visitors had planted an emergency stash. I remember looking on the calendar, huh...Thursday the 19th...most people know the exact day they had their last drink, I'll know the exact day that I became an alcoholic. I looked out the window into the courtyard. I spent so much time out there sky watching, wondering, hoping. Stars are retarded, the moon's a dick...Captain Morgan yer my only friend.  I saw Sophie's light go off and had a mom-guilt, full body cramp. I slipped into bed with her, we curled up and cried for another hour or so. We kept trying to process her feelings so it wouldn't hurt anymore, that only made it worse. I started to get edgy again. I glared out at the traitor night sky, screw you shooting stars we're making wishes with or without you!

I think at first I was motivated by blind anger, desperate to hook Soph up with some kindof hope, but then the passion did a little pivot and I went Pentacostal... "Sophie, make a wish...please baby girl wish for what your precious heart wants the very most. I feel like your supposed to ask for anything you want because God wants to show us how much He loves us...how special you are to Him. Nothing is stupid....it just needs to be what you dream about! Your wish will come true, it will be obvious that God made it happen and we'll know that our lives won't always be this raging suckfest. God has the big happy for us!"

The wish was made, I went out to the courtyard and apologized to the heavenlies. Then I honest to God started to tripout because Sophie was gonna meet the Jonas Brothers.

now...back to how it went down when that wish did some comin true.

Camilla vanished leaving Joe free to marry me...just kidding (not really), seriously I don't know where she went. Nick, The Dad, The Grampa and the youngest Jonas brother Frankie were all that remained. The oldest brother Kevin was absent. Honestly he was optional all along as a result of his recent engagement...so we're ok with this.

The Plan: We weren't prepared; no camera, no sharpee, no post cupcake lipgloss. The fellas had just arrived, we had some time to get prepared. Sophie, in the greatest act of faith known to man, agreed to temporarily leave sight of the boys and haul ass down to Borders for the necessary supplies. We were all stocked up with in 15 minutes then off to find Nick & Joe.

While on our pursuit of the brother's Jonas, our pace slowed. Sophie took a pair of Juicy Couture sunglasses for a test drive. We wandered through Tiffany's, grabbed a coffee. I tried on fancy hats. I should have bought one, I'd left the house kindof hillbilly that day.

It had been over an hour since we'd parted ways with Nick and Joe in order to prepare. The funny thing about our preperation  is that we didn't even get my camera because we had our phones. The sharpees i had to have in order to ensure their signatures would be permanent, weren't autograph pens at all. They were some lame new brand of Sharpee fountain pen....my preperation was pointless, we didn't need the hardware. The prep that mattered was the special time that Sophie and I got to spend together...enjoying each other. It was the 1st time either of us had been stupid happy in months. We laughed so hard at ourselves, at the crazy ideas of what might happen. Every moment of that leisurely search we were aware and in awe that we were living this miracle...yes I'm going to go with miracle.

If we hadn't been looking for the fellas we would have headed for home...we'd covered almost every inch of that place. We rounded the corner to saunter down the final aisle, it was desolate...tumbleweeds and harmonicas. Midway down the corridor we spotted a kiosk worker having a photo taken...with Joe. And that as they say, Is when the magic happened.

Joe turned and smiled at Sophie. When she reached him they shook hands and he introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Joe and I'm gonna marry your mom" (sorry last time). There was some chit chat, I took a photo, then Soph said, "is Nick still here?" Joe yelled out for Nick, "Hey Nick! There's someone here to meet you."

Nick was at the end of the aisle, maybe 20 ft. away. He glanced over at Sophie and then I promise you that in the history of double-takes, he did the whiplashenest-double-take that ever there was. As he approached he didn't take his eyes off of her. Joe introduced the kids. They faced each other and spoke quietly. Eventually the rest of the gang worked their way over. Grand-Daddy Jonas and I discussed the boys appearance on Saturday Night Live the weekend before. We also covered such topics as: the release of their upcoming movie, how beautiful it was since last nights rain & the lameness of Sharpee fountain pens (that was all me). Nick and Sophie continued to get there conversation on.

O woe-woe! He had the dreamiest shy eyed gaze. Everyone should have someone look at them like that sometime....was he blushing?  I broke the moment and requested a photo. Nick slid his arm behind Sophie for the picture, Just as I snapped it off a fan walked by and screamed, "I love you Nick!" Soph and Nick looked over, then continued talking. Nick never moved his arm. Joe joined in a bit, then after a while Sophie sweetly said, "I should let you go, it was nice meeting you". To which the brothers replied, "It was nice meeting you to Sophie". Then we two whoozy girls turned and walked away....all shalala's....sigh.

We made our way up to the food court. Soph said, "mommy can we just sit down for a minute".   I wanted to burst into tears. That encounter was about so much more than Sophie's dream coming true. It felt like hope, promises, healing, fate, serendipity, destiny all dipped in chocolate and wrapped in a bag full of money.

Sophie said to me, "mommy, that was just perfect....better than I could have imagined! I loved my outfit, I was happy with my hair!" "Sophie you are so beautiful, Nick admired you. You eye contact owned him!"
"I KNOW!!!!" Sophie said.

We refer to our day at the Beverly Westfield Plaza as the 1st time Nick and Sophie met because it won't be the last. Mia will make her Big Wish (not that there's just one) and it will come true. I of course make a ridiculous amount of wishes per day. I can't help it, because if you've ever made a wish and its come true, then you know it began to come true the moment you made it.

the gospital

2009-10-25T00:23:00.000-07:00

For over a year I've been a Sunday morning civilian. Its weird though because I still have this phantom stress. Every Saturday night around 9:30pm i start to go through the mental check list, "are the bulletins done, Sunday School teachers ready, did we get the worship line up, is it time for communion again?". I'm always relieved when I remember, "oh that's right....I don't have to do that anymore". At the shelter most of the residents didn't grow up in the church. It's funny because the girls that did are usually preacher's kids. Once one of them said to me, "wow, yer lucky. I wish you could talk to my mom, she never got out".

Ya know I do feel lucky. I'm a lifer. I grew up in the same church since I was 4 years old. I was there until Mike started his own church in 2002. For all of those years I never once prayed the "sinners" prayer with anyone. To this day I mock altar calls. One of my biggest funs used to be to play talk tease at Sunday night altar calls. I'd make up some outrageous story, they'd think they really roped one. Saving my whoring soul was like saving 4 average souls all rolled up in 1 super bad girl soul. Then just before it went down i'd back out. I only did that at douche bag churches where i thought they were just keeping a salvation score card. It was horrible, I'll probably never do it again.

Over the last year I've prayed with a few girls to ask Jesus into their hearts. Each time it was during their interview...they weren't even residents yet. I was caught off guard at some point during their painful story. I'd catch a glimpse of Jesus in them, but it was weird, it was like they weren't aware of it, of Him. I must have seemed like such a freak interupting and saying, "I don't know what you know about God or Jesus or anything, but what do you believe in? You need to know Jesus or you're never gonna make it through your jacked up life!".  My professionalism and quite honestly my Christianity were overidden by a passion to help them. There's nothing I could do to help them, except introduce them to Jesus. They needed to have the Jesus that is already in them activated & they had to ask Him themselves...not repeat after me. I wasn't tender and I really had no formal gospel to feed them. Crystal Lewis wasn't singing, "come just as you are" over and over and over again.

Two of those times something so bizarre happened. The 1st time was on Good Friday. I was interviewing "Multiple Personality Jenny" ( her story another time). I had barely started to pray with Multiple Personality Jenny when I was halted. It was like I was halted. I looked up at MPJenny and she was carrying on a conversation, mouthing words as tears dropped from her eyes. She shook her head in response to what she was hearing. I know she was mentally ill & on drugs, but her conversion was legit.

Moscow Jenny's prayer was also a private conversation. Moscow Jenny won't pray out loud, but whenever someone prays for her she translates what they say into Russian. Its beautiful. If anyone ever tries to stop her I will kick them so hard they'll cough off up their nuts.

I remember the day I asked Jesus into my heart. I had a private conversation. I can't believe I was in the biz for so many years and I don't even know if its like that for everybody?

Moscow Jenny and Enlarged Heart Jenny & her kids are my only residents right now. They don't have any religon. Its pretty much the only way to be a Christian if you ask me. I grew up in Sunday School so I heard the Bible Stories and then as I went about livin I recognized the life application. Its so great with these girls because they're the opposite. They hear a Bible Story and it will remind them of something they've already lived. Looking anything up in the Bible with them is an absolute nightmare...It takes forever! I'm alway's like, "damn we're gonna be here all day! give me your Bible, I'll find it". Then I show off how fast I can find stuff. In the 3rd grade I loved "sword drills"...that's Christian School lingo for a game where you race to find scriptures. If you won it meant that Jesus loved you best ;)

The other day Moscow Jenny said to me, "Jhenneee, vhen do you teach me about da gospital of Jesus Christ?" I love that she refers to the gospel as the gospital but I cringed a little at her use of the very churchy phrase, where did she hear that? Then I heard her tell Enlarged Heart Jenny, "ve listen to da secular music no more".  O HELL NO! Who did this to you Moscow Jenny! That's it....no more church for anybody!

I don't know sometimes the phantom stress has a little bit of phantom missing church mixed in with it. I've tried to find a place. Its like going somewhere lame on a date with someone you really like. You kindof wish you'd just spent the time together instead of being interupted with distracting entertainment. I walk out and feel like saying, "oh my God (literally) I am SO sorry I made you sit through that!"  I know that considering my recent history its normal for me to be a bit cynical, I'll keep lookin. I've got something lined up for tomorrow morning, I'm keepin my fingers crossed. Who knows, maybe they'll have an altar call.

Man's best friend...Not Mine

2009-10-19T23:15:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna paint a picture for you: imagine me, pre-boiling point/melt down...unstable for sure. I've had the kindof week that won't stop til it gets enough. I decided to bug out for a little bit before I had to step back into the dysfunction junction. I went to one of my hide out's. As I walked to my favorite spot I noticed an unleashed dog wandering around.

I consider myself as much of an animal lover as the next guy (maybe a little less). I don't know much about breeds though, generally the little ones yip & the big ones bite... that's the extent of my canine expertise. I'm always amused when Pitbull owners defend their dogs vicious reputation by saying things like, "oh no, no! none of its true! Pitbulls are one of the most, if not THEE MOST gentle of all dogs....its all in how you raise them." I apparently made the mistake of assuming that this dog had been brought up in a good home.

I have no idea what threatened him but whatever it was triggered an alpha-male episode and the dog went Cujo on me. He raced over to where I was and stood there ferociously snarling at me. I experienced FEAR (we'll get back to that) but only for an instant, I quickly, almost instantaneously transitioned into ANGER. I was so pissed! The dog lunged for my leg, I kicked it in the face. It wasn't a martial arts kick, ya know? no round house. It felt like a Tae Bo exercise maneuver, where you bring your knee up to your waist and then kick your leg out. The dog was stunned....but not for long. I returned to FEAR. I'm gonna forego the details. Honestly it was nothing short of a miracle that I made it safetly back to my car.

So back to my painting: emotionally unstable + FEAR ='s anger with a touch of violence. That was my reaction the 1st time the dog attacked. The 2nd time I became afraid my response was different. I had to get smart, use my noodles. I threw my shoe to buy some sprint to the car time. I set off my car alarm to see if it would scare the dog...it did.

I've been working with some men recently...on parole types. They need to take court ordered anger management classes. I'm covering the curriculum with them, tutoring sort of. The 1st thing they're taught is that fear precedes anger. Fear isn't simply being afraid, its not even a bad thing, its a test. Q. something just scared you...how are you going to cope? A. for alot of people the answer is anger, then violence. For me it was, especially seeing as how I didn't have a long way to go to get to crazy. My second encounter with fear went in a much more civilized direction.
I feel like my experience with the pitbull was an intense object lesson on how I handle fear. Fear that's on the level, something worthy of being afraid of.

Eventually A woman came to pick up the dog. Once she'd leashed her beast I approached her to explain what had gone down. "Gosh, I'm sorry. Domino's usually so friendly" she says to me. "Well not today lady! Domino was a real dick-just like every other pitbull in the world!" I guess Fear doesn't always precede anger, sometimes angers already there.

Anyways, speaking of the mad men...I love teaching them! During class time we're all business, but at the end I usually tell them a story, ya know that ties in with that nights lesson. I told them the Jonas Brothers story and 2 of them cried (there are only 4 fellas...I'm not certified yet, so they're practice-plus the place is far, hard to be consistent). The next time I went to the sober living home they said, "boss" (HOW AWESOME IS IT THAT THEY CALL ME BOSS! its in a very respectful way, not a warden way) "can you tell the rest of the mad men the story?" They make me feel like snow white, ya know how she'd tell the 7 dwarves stories. Some of them are shady for sure, I've busted all of them for tellin some pretty tall tales...that's no big deal. They're hurting, I do think there's hope for some of them. I want to get certified and offer classes a bit closer to home. L.A. county is my only option for now. I don't know, I like it. I think I'm gonna print business cards that say, "the asshole whisperer - the truth is all that I can hear everytime you lie". I'll probably just stick with BOSS though.

The Candy Convention

2009-10-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

I love candy so much! Its the most retarded thing ever that I'm a diabetic. I was diagnosed with diabetes when I was 20. The story I'm about to share with you is probably the reason why.

I had just turned 13, that would make it June of 1985. Katie, my sister was 10. My parents woke us up early on a Saturday morning. They said that we were going somewhere. Once when we were real little they had suprised us with a trip to Disneyland....it was goin down pretty much the same way. Kate & I played along, expecting that there was some fun in our near future. We drove up the 5 fwy; maybe Disneyland, Knott's, Angel game? We pulled into the Disneyland Hotel parking lot...hmmm? We still had no clue.

At the entrance of the hotel's ginormous convention room I spotted some familiar faces. The Colton's were friends of my parents . They had twin sons a year older than me. We spent ALOT of time together. When the boys saw me I could tell they were keeping a delicious secret. Brendon looked at me like, "jenny mastain, i hope your ready to live the best damn day of your life!" While the grown ups were helloing I pulled the boys aside to find out what was goin on. OH Good GOD...We were at a Candy Convention!

Here's how it works: for $10 a person you get a day pass and have unlimited access to all that the candy/dessert world has to offer. It was craziness, aisle after aisle of sugary treats i'd never even dreampt of, plus all of my favorites. There was this root beer float station where you catapulted the scoop of ice cream into the frosty mug, 10 foot licorice vines, every flavor of jelly belly, scoop bins full of skittles. It reminded me of Pleasure Island from Pinocchio...so worth turning into a donkey for. Everybody was walking around INSANELY happy...it was like we were all on a completely innocent, rainbow-cotton candy acid trip.

At around noon the boys and I started to slow down..."we better go get another orange julius and take a little break before we get back down to business". They were still acting so weird. Jason said to me, "so jen this is like the perfect day for you huh?" I nodded because my tongue was raw from all the sour patch kids. "Is there anything that could make it even more perfect?" he asked. Ok at this point I need to step into another story for a minute....

The twins had a friend named Davis Txnmxllxn (i've replaced the vowels with "x"s so ya can't google search him). His dad was an ex-pro ball player. Jason & Brenden were in this Tony Larussa pre-pro summer camp with Davis. Davis's older brother was playing triple A ball somewhere and someday Davis would to. We met at a family pool party. He was 16 which when your 13 is pretty dang Jake Ryan. He was the first boy that didn't do the dance....there was no pig tail pulling. He was super shy and honest, but still he just put it out there, he "like-liked" me. All I know is he gave me a wicked case of butterflies.

now back to the candy convention

As the boys and I were about to hit the aisles and do some more damage, Mrs. Colton found us. She had someone with her. Oh woe woe...it was the oh so dreamy Davis Txnmxllxn. Oh my gosh...even now i swoon a little bit. My day had just gotten even more perfect. We walked down the aisle's holding hands. It was funny because I'd watched endless batting practice...it was fun to have him see me in my element...ahahhhaaaa! He didn't really live like a normal kid. He could only be in the pool for a certain amount of time. He always had to keep his arm covered? He was on a special diet & he could NEVER do anything on Saturday's. I can't believe his mom drove him up there. I don't know I was just so happy he was there, plus I had the best sugar buzz workin. We had arrived at 10am, we left at 4pm...i seriously got my money's worth. We all went out to dinner together. On the way home the twins barfed....amateurs.

I remembered the Candy Convention today as I pushed my shopping cart up and down the aisles of the grocery store. As a 13 year old little girl that was my perfect day. I'm having so much fun trying to imagine what my 37 year old girls perfect day would be like.

To Whom it May Concern: Regarding "Harvest Parties"

2009-10-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Harvest Party-ers,

If your children dress up in costumes, eat candy or bob for apples anytime on or around October 31st...then you're celebrating Halloween. Quit lying to yourself. We all celebrate "Harvest" its called "Thanksgiving". I'd like to add that in the event your children participate in the allegedly pagan act of trick or treating, I believe that Jesus will still love them and their salvation will remain intact.

kthnxbye

Captivating

2009-10-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night I was at a Catholic hospital. The place was swarming with nuns. There were tons of them-Probably a 2 to 1, nun to patient ratio. They were getting off duty when I got there. All of them were in a pack except for 1 dawdler. She was young, 19ish, very beautiful; like the girl from, "Like water for chocolate". My friend and I were waiting for the elevator when the young nun spotted us. She stopped and stared at us with wide eyes and a huge grin, like she'd come upon a deer in the woods....I know that sounds weird, it was weird-but cool.

I wanted to say something to her. "This is crazy to see you! I've been all about nuns lately and here you are throwing this divine vibe!". She looked like she wanted to say something to me to.

Out of nowhere this random thought dropped into my head, "She married her 1st love and they'll be together forever." Oh my god, my heart started to swell. I was tearing up? I looked over again, she was still staring-even bigger smile and it looked like she was tearing up to? I kept thinking the thought..."she married her 1st love and they'll be together forever". Young nun took a step towards me and giggled as she said, "Its cold outside, but you love it because you have your warm sweater and you love the wind." I do love the wind.

I don't know why i'm sharing this. I guess because it made me feel captivating and i loved that she seemed so delighted to have noticed something silly about me.

When we got in the elevator my friend said, "what a retard...total psyche-ward". Well maybe, but she married her 1st love and they'll be together forever.

Moscow Jenny

2009-10-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Moscow Jenny has been through so much. There's really very little I can share of her story. This is the stuff I'm cleared on: Three years ago her 2 year old daughter drown. Since then she has struggled with an addiction to prescription meds. She's on day 9 of detox i think? She's a mess. The numbs starting to wear off. Its not so much a, here comes the sun the ice is slowly melting, as it is a brutal thaw. Oh the hot tears she drops!

When I was searching through her posessions I found a zip drive....jackpot! I had a KGB potential espionage-gasm....wouldn't a zip drive be the modern day equivalent of microfilm?

I tell her stories when she gets the shakes. My Russian accent is impressive. I tell her she'll find the big love with a romantic Dr. Zhivago type man named Boris or Yuri. She says Russian men aren't romantic....Really Moscow Jenny? are you sure? because the way I imagine it they are. The two of you will pour Vodka on your Cheerios, wait 4 hours in line for a roll of toilet paper & pay $700 for a pair of Levi's...who's telling this story? In fairness next week she will be telling a story about me using equally ridiculous American stereotypes.

I confiscated all of this oxy-contin and klonopin. It has been flushed, but for a while there my desk had a street value of easily $800. I don't even know what any of that stuff is really supposed to be used for? I foresee a trip to webmd in my not so distant future.

Prayers for Moscow Jenny please. There's no peace in the promise that she'll see her baby girl again, because heaven means nothing to her. Some bat shit crazy Christian lady got her all turned around re: the afterlife...well on lots of things. Her only real comfort comes in people being near her. She likes to listen to stories about her future & will ask us to pray to God for her...like on her behalf. I don't know how long she'll be with me. I hope I get to see her be well.

Delayed Reaction

2009-10-09T12:59:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I received the following voicemail: "Hi Jennifer, This is Ben Affleck. I was wondering if you wanted to leave your husband and run away with me, but you're not there so I guess we can't...uhhh call me back, bye." It turns out that Mike was sitting next to Ben at a ball game, so he had him call me. Ben said to call him back so i did. "Hi Ben, this is jennifer, mike's wife. sorry i missed your call, I was at a candle party." " What's a candle party?" I explained. We discussed our frustration with conflicting candle fragrances and how candles that drip and burn messy are lame-He had ALOT to say about candles. We talked about Rehab-I'd read in People magazine that he'd gotten out the day before. He started yelling something to Nomar Garciapara then said, "hey ya wanna talk to Nomar?". He asked about the Angels, why they only had 2 black players, did I like baseball?

When I called him back my heart was beating so fast! I went into my moms room and shut the door like I was 15. Midway through candle chat there was a shift, it was just nice to have somebody to talk to, ya know?

Then he says, "So are you gonna run away with me or what?" SQueeeels & giggles!!! I said, "Ben Affleck stop trying to be my boyfriend! I should let you go, your missing the game. What are you doing calling other people's wives anyway?". "Well your hubby has the look of a man in love with a good woman. He said you were so beautiful that I'd want you for myself and that he'd lay down in the middle of this busy street out here....What's the name of this street? (I heard Mike answer Katella). Yeah, Katella...He said that he'd lay down in the middle of Katella if its what you wanted. You don't pass up a chance to talk to a girl like that." My heart stopped.

I was pretty sure Mike didn't say any of that, but sometimes when I don't know for sure I choose to error on the side of believing what makes me feel better. A hopeful assumption/dillusion if you will. I asked to talk to Mike, "bye Ben Affleck". Mike was super happy. I knew he was probably having the time of his life. I thanked him for having Ben Affleck call me & told him to have fun. I said, "cut Ben off after 2 beers...buy him a coke and some nachos instead". Mike pulled the phone away and said, "jen said no beer for you". Ben said, "What! I've been drinking diet coke & eating nachos all night....I'm gonna get fat". ahaahaaa! he totally did God Bless him!

That night on the news the top story was all about Ben Affleck at the Angels game, they kept showing he and mike sitting next to each other. The next morning there was a picture on the cover of the OC Register sports page. Mike got to meet some of the Red Sox which was pretty much the best for him, he lives for baseball, so that was cool. I guess Ben called the other wives and they got to chat to. My friend Debbie is classic. She didn't believe it was him so she said, "Alright Ben Affleck tell Chip to pick me up a box of Tampons on his way home". Mike said to me, "I can't believe he said all of that stuff to you, I didn't say any of it (of course you didn't)...he just asked if you were pretty". Needless to say everyone I came in contact with heard the voicemail and story. I walked around with this stupid spongebob look on my face for weeks.

That was forever ago, pre j-lo. For the past 3 days I've been so preoccupied with this story. My delayed reaction or realization is that for the 1st time I'm wondering why he said all of that. How come that's what he said? I mean it was perfect...totally made to order, ya know? My hubby didn't have the look of a man in love? HA! that's probably why he said it-he knew I wasn't hearin it. Oh my gosh, could he tell how lonely I was? How embarassing. I can't figure it out, it doesn't matter I guess. Its just weird.....and awesome.

bittersweet

2009-10-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

I got off so easy today. Nobody had to testify. I could tell my dad was a little disappointed that he didn't get to scream, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" from the witness stand. He had to settle for shouting, "who wants to marry my baby?!" as we left the court house. He really just wants me off pay roll.

We haven't crossed the finish line, but there was something very closure-esque about today. bittersweet. he was bitter, I was sweet .....just kidding, it was bizarre.

Its so dreamy to have some levity after the epic heaviness that's gone on for so long. I watched him get on the elevator and thought, I hope the wounded little boy in him will be healed. I hope that he'll share the big love someday and I hope he'll realize that its not a jennie shaped hole he has in his heart- its just a straight up hole.

I'm happy but drained...I've had tired voice all week. i don't feel a whole lot about this, weird? back to resting for me.

twas the night before court

2009-10-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

Today I found a journal of mine from this time last year. For the most part anything I've written in the past 14 months has been bleeding on the page...It's how I purge all of the thoughts that gnaw away at my brain. This particular journal was a promotional pad from Sophie and Mia's back to school nite. That night was the 1st (of many) awkward events that Mike and I were both at but not together. I was so checked out. I grabbed that notebook and went to town. Re-reading what I wrote was surreal. When the whole, "not gonna be married anymore" ball got rollin there were so many things that I was afraid of, but one thing that really stands out was how terrified I was by the idea of going to court. Fear of the unknown I guess. So this journal entry was all about what I was afraid of...pages of it. Anyways, about 4 pages deep I'd drawn this big heart in the margin with stars and astricks all around it. I had written, "Dear Jennie 2009, you've made it this far, you'll make it through court. your totally the shit....peace out, jennie 2008". I think that was from September 14th, 2008. I used to always write notes to myself in the future. I just love, love, love that I found this one on the night before my big day in court. I'm nervous. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonite, but it feels so good not to be afraid.

sweet dreams

2009-10-04T10:40:00.000-07:00

The "Funnest Jenny" was sexually molested by her dad. It wasn't until she was an adult & married that she flashed back on the abuse....the mercy of the mind. This is what she told me. "I remember my dad coming into my room, he would get in bed with me...I would pretend to be asleep. I'm not sure if I was dreaming or just hazy, but Jesus would come into my room and wake me up. He took my hand and led me outside. We would walk down the sidewalk and talk. It was night and I was in a nightgown. Every night Jesus would start by saying I love you, I want to hear about your day. I would go on and on about my day. He laughed at my silliness. He got angry if I was hurt. He encouraged me if I was afraid. Eventually we would turn around and walk back to my house. Before he tucked me back into bed He would hold my face and tearfully call me by name and say, I love you so much, you are perfect to me. I love everything you say and do, you are beautiful and you are a good girl. There was a gentle kiss on my lips and He would go. I always woke up alone."

Years later I was facilitating a support group for women that worked in the sex industry. On more than 1 occasion they shared having had similar dreams. Most of the "Prostitute Jenny's" I've known have also been a part of this beautiful experience. The twist on the pro's version of the dream was that they would be holding hands with Jesus walking naked and as they went along they would come across their body parts. Jesus would pick them up and reattach the arm, leg, whatever and say, "you are healed and you are new". Crazy right?

I always wanted to ask, "so was it like arab Jesus or more of a hot Passion of the Christ Jesus...maybe the Jason Patrick Jesus on the cover of the NASB children's picture Bible, ya know the one where He's got the lamb around His neck, low cut robe...lots of chest hair?"

They all asked me the same thing, "was that real?". With everything in me I know that Yes, Jesus came to you in your dream...the things He said to you are true. So few of these women were ever "churched". They don't know shit about the Bible or the character of Christ, but they've experienced Him in a way that seems unique to those of us with the most wounded of hearts. They know Him in their souls...more than most veterans of the Lords army.

Most of the "Adult actress/dancer Jenny's" haven't changed professions. Alot of abused women still struggle with all of the pain that comes with sexual abuse. I don't have an explanation for that other than that Jesus is plenty real to me and I still feel the need to fight for my emotional freedom. I guess its a process.

"20 years younger boyfriend havin Jenny" earned her living the hard way. She shared a prayer that she'd once prayed mid-conjugal: Sweet Jesus, Don't look at me, Turn your back and wait on the other side, But don't go. Wait! Stay inside of me. Holy Spirit Stay inside of me. I'm sorry-Forgive me. I hate myself for needing You to do this with me, Take me away! but I don't want to leave you to do this alone.

huh? It doesn't sound like everybody gets the escape or images of restoration from the dream, but they still KNOW that He is there like he means it. I don't have anything else to say, other than that I envy their dream. I miss these extraordinary ladies because when I was with them, I knew I was in the presence of great faith. They were women with the kind of intimate relationship with the lover of their soul, that I think everyone longs to have...whether they recognize it or not.

I had some fun

2009-10-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

This week has been so great! I've been house sitting at my dads. Every night there have been beautiful sunsets and its a full moon. I love having the space. There was so much scheduled for this week that I've been dreading and it all played out entirely different than I expected. There were suprises...the kind that usually send me over the edge, but somehow i stayed rock steady. It has to be the resting, I sware I've never been so calm and peaceful...I'm probably gonna die.

I've felt very deprived this last month, like I'm not allowed to have any fun at all. Good or bad anything that causes an internal ripple drains energy that I'm supposed to be conserving, but there's something about having fun that just feels so good. I think it gives me energy, ya know? Like how good love propels vs. the drain of bad love, i don't know maybe faux love's a better term.

Monday's parking ticket wasn't even a blip on the radar. Wednesday I met "Moscow Jenny". She lied to me...but in all the right places. I'll have to share about her later, I'm learning so much from her. At any rate she and I spent most of Thursday morning in the psyche word as a result of a suicide threat, still I was chill. Next Thursday is what I'm hoping is my final court date with the valeDICKtorian of the tool academy, so Friday was supposed to be the testimony prep with my lawyer. I was all frowns. Billy boy I'll love you forever for opting out of the office so we could have lunch. The most significant part of my week was that I got to have fun at night. I had the house to myself. I cranked the jacuzzi up over 100 degrees and just watched the sky....sigh, it made me dizzy. I realized that I can star gaze in sickness and in health, so i've got that goin for me. I fell asleep outside and woke up to the sunrise, it doesn't matter what lab results say to enjoy that.

Which brings me to today. Today I'm helping a friend work a very swanky OC party. I'm not sure if I'm walking trays or if I'm doling out chicken or fish, I don't even care. I'm getting paid to be at a party! My gal pal Julie will be working the event as well. Did I mention I get to go to a party!!! I'm expecting to have a lot of fun. Who knows the sky could fall, ahahhaahh I could fall! It just doesn't matter.

I hope your day holds something special...an unexpected suprise. If not today then very soon.

disclaimer

2009-10-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

In late August I began a drastic lifestyle change. I went to the dr. and he said as a result of grossly out of control blood sugars & other medical bonus features I needed to do some serious energy conservation. I'm still scowling over the restrictions, but now 34 days into the new regime I'm feeling a bit better. I have a calm clarity & I don't feel nearly the weary woman that I did 1 month ago.

I work, drive the girls to and from school, there are occasional trips to the grocery store and that's about it. Which brings me to my disclaimer. Work is my main event. My job is very intense and without the socializing that I'm used to I'm starting to feel all bottled up...I'm looking forward to debriefing via this blog. There will be stories about residents and my experiences with them. I make a point of referring to them all as "jenny"...it will be confusing but its how I relate...kindof see myself in their shoes...empathy, compassion, ya know? My intent is to sometimes difuse the drama with a little funny...I'm not mocking. I'm also very respectful of their anonymity so no confidential details will be divulged.

No offense intended. Besides nobodies holding a gun to your head...nothing but love!

sister jennyann

2009-10-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

I stayed at a nunery once. I was so disappointed because they didn't wear the whole get up. I asked why and they said it was too hot. It was July in New Mexico so I get it. Rather than wearing matching black bridal gowns they all twin'd out in virtually the same lame ass kitten t-shirts with some form of White Stag bottoms. They didn't preface any of their names with, "sister mary katherine....". I was so bummed. "Peg, could you pass the milk?". "Sure Barb". groooannns! nobody wanted to play along.

While at the nunery I kept waiting for "wine time".....because....When I was a nanny in Connecticut we used to drive out to see the grandparents in Massachusetts on the weekends. They were THEE most Irish Catholic family EVER! 8 kids with 3 kids each. There were 4 other nannies and we all shared a room on the 3rd floor. The room was super long with 8 twin beds lined up, no windows...that house was so Amityville. Anyways we drove up on Thursdays and the rest of the family usually showed up on Friday's so I had the room to myself on those nights. Except this one Thursday night their priest, Father John came over and got hammered. He brought his own bottle of Jameson-didn't share. So around one-ish the gramma wakes me up to let me know Father John's gonna crash in one of the beds. Whatever, I rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't have anything to worry about, its not like I was a 12 year old boy or something. All of that to say that as a result of my history with pro-catholics I expected these ladies to be a bit thirstier is all.

Why me as sister jennyann? because it helps me remember what I learned from the nuns while I was in Albequerque. At that time I was desperately sad and lonely. Ugh! pathetically hungry to be loved. It hurts to remember. I was faced with the undeniable reality that my life needed to change and that doing it wasn't going to be easy. I didn't tell the nuns 1 bit about what I was going through, feeling, contemplating, but I promise you they knew. Or at least they knew I was hurting and they knew how to love me. their love was the launchpad that started me off to where I'm going now. They were strong. they showed me gentleness and sweet quiet love....it felt like Jesus to me.

FACEinHOLE

2009-10-01T20:12:00.001-07:00

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Why I love telephone interviews.

2009-09-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

Last week a lady called me at work looking for shelter. I did the preliminary phone interview. “Have you ever been incarcerated?" ...solicitation, possession, possession with intent to sell, drunk and disorderly, and then… “Yeah, I just got out of jail on Tuesday for disturbing the peace & assault”. Turns out that she got in a fight with her boyfriend…and she kicked him in the throat after he; AHEM: PUNCHED HER IN THE VAGINA.

I have a deep loyalty to the sisterhood, but with all the kicks to the crotch men have taken this sort of seemed fair. I have a feeling Karma will have the last laugh and that guys going to end up with a nasty case of gonorrhea on his hand.